


Hold Them Closer

by onthepageoftears



Series: Kill Your Darlings [2]
Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: Angst, Assassination, Assassination Attempt(s), Assassins & Hitmen, Blood and Gore, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:08:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 30,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25621120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onthepageoftears/pseuds/onthepageoftears
Summary: The end to one journey has passed, but the next has just begun.Y/N struggles with puzzled memories of the past, bringing Jaskier along as they try to put the pieces back together.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Reader, Jaskier | Dandelion & Reader, Jaskier | Dandelion/Reader, Jaskier | Dandelion/You
Series: Kill Your Darlings [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1652641
Comments: 54
Kudos: 87





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's here! The sequel to Kill Your Darlings! Chapters will be uploaded every Friday once again, and of course it is highly recommended to read the Kill Your Darlings series first. Enjoy!!!

Sunlight cascaded along the forest floor, little rays of light falling amongst the leaves that littered the ground. Despite the sun shining high in the sky, a nice breeze tugged at the air around you, making you take a deep breath. Everything felt calm. Quiet.

And then you heard a crunch.

You shifted on your feet, not hesitating before swinging your sword towards Jaskier. You couldn’t help but notice the sunlight glint off the sharp edge as you purposefully slowed your movement.

Jaskier huffed, stepping back in time for it to whoosh just past his chest. His eyes sparkled with mischief as he looked back at you, but your face was stone cold. 

You swung again.

This time, you didn’t hold back. You jabbed the sword towards Jaskier, making him jump out of the way of your deadly weapon. With quick thinking, Jaskier used the trees around you to his advantage, rolling out of the way and using the tree trunks as a shield. He had just rolled around the side of one tree when you caught each other's eye.

Jaskier smiled. You quirked a brow. You had to admit, it was clever.

But fleeing wouldn’t always work.

You grunted and lifted your sword so it would come straight down onto Jaskier, but he lifted his own just in time. The loud collision of steel practically made you giddy — sparring was not something you did often, but you really did enjoy it.

Except, Jaskier could be a bit distracting.

Your swords were still crossed when he winked at you. By now, you’d think you had grown accustomed to his advances, yet, there you were, losing your breath with just one of his gestures. 

And then he got the upper hand.

He slid his sword out from your own, swinging it with enough force to take your whole head off. But as you lifted your own sword to stop the impact, another sound, other than striking steel, made you frown.

Jaskier’s sword was sunken into the tree just beside you, where Jaskier was now tugging helplessly at its handle.

You let your shoulders drop, eyes narrowing in accusation, “You did that on purpose.”

Jaskier focused on getting his sword out of the tree, “Did what?”

“ _Missed_.” 

Jaskier jumped out of the way as you swung your own sword towards him, leaving his own weapon stuck in the bark behind you. He stood with his hands up, chest heaving, with the tip of your sword under his throat. With barely any effort, you reached behind yourself, and with one tug, the sword was in your grasp. 

The two of you stared at each other a moment before you gave up, dropping your sword from his neck and holding his sword out towards him with a sigh.

“Your offense needs to be quick, sharp movements. Fast, so I don’t know what’s coming.” As soon as he took his sword back, you pushed past him so he didn’t see the scowl on your face, “And you need to stop hesitating."

By then, Jaskier had run up beside you, walking backward so he could see your face. Or maybe so _you_ could see the smirk that was on _his_ , “Only if you ask nicely.”

Even though his smile was nearly contagious, you forced yourself into a frown, halting in your spot. “This is not a game, Jaskier. You need to know how to defend yourself in case—“

“In case we are in another life impending situation that tests both of our morals and inner demons? Yes, I am well aware.” Now noticing your scowl, Jaskier relented. “We have been practicing nearly non-stop. I’ve been getting better, you said so yourself.”

“ _Better_ and _good_ are two very different things.” You sighed, softening your expression so he knew you were serious, “You don’t have to hold back with me. I can take care of myself.”

Jaskier pursed his lips and nodded, placing the tip of his sword into the dirt below. “Fine, fine. But you have to admit I’ve been getting better.”

You rolled your eyes — what was with this man and constantly needing reassurance? “Fine. You’re getting better.”

Jaskier tilted his head, his lips formed into a pout, “Well, now you’re just _saying_ it.”

“Jaskier—“

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” His head fell back with a hearty laugh, finally breaking your own face into a smile.

You pushed past him again, this time so he wouldn’t see you smile, “You won’t be kidding when I actually slice my sword into your jugular.”

“You love it.” 

Another eye roll and you were back at the pile of weapons that you and Jaskier lugged out to this area for training. It wasn’t far from the village the two of you were staying at, but it was far enough that the trip was a workout on its own. Though sometimes Jaskier would make you take Buttercup along — he would try to convince you it was because she needed the exercise, but really it was because he didn’t want to go through the effort of carrying everything else.

You placed your knives back in their sheaths, feeling the calmness that came over you whenever they were back in their place. Though you had been getting more used to swords yourself, nothing beat the feeling of using your knives.

Leaning against the nearby tree, you crossed your arms over your chest. “Another thing.” Jaskier turned to you, “You need to stop playing around when we train.”

He scoffed, “Oh, come on. You can’t deny that it’s fun. And a little fun never hurt anyone.”

“Except it will. And it has.” Your eyes flicked down to his stomach, where under his undershirt a bandage was still covering his healing wound.

Jaskier paused. “So you _do_ think it’s fun!”

“Not the point.”

“Not _your_ point.” The glare you sent his way made him sigh. “Okay, okay. I will take this more seriously. Students honor.” 

You rolled your eyes. “Great. Then watch out.”

“Huh—“ He jumped back just as you swung your sword towards him, catching him off guard. After stumbling for a moment, he caught himself and spun out of the way, using his own sword to push against yours. The two of you locked eyes in challenge, daring the other one to move first. 

You didn’t need to wait any longer. You turned yourself around and regained control of your sword, using the momentum of your spin to roll forward and land on the opposite side of Jaskier. He swiveled on his feet, immediately ready for any attack you had coming his way. 

You smirked. So he _was_ getting better.

You didn’t let your surprise get the best of you. Instead, you lunged forward, swinging your sword at his legs. Jaskier jumped out of the way, and while you were still recovering from the missed attack, he slammed his sword own on your own.

You blinked in disbelief as your sword fell to the ground below.

Standing up, you tilted your head at Jaskier, eyebrows raised in pleasant surprise. 

“Not bad—“ You started, but Jaskier pushed forward, catching you off guard. He pushed you hard into a nearby tree, placing his sword directly under your neck just as your back made contact with the trunk.

“Not bad indeed,” he said, his breaths coming out in heaves as his eyes glossed over your own. The two of you stared at each other, both trying to catch your breath, but neither moving from your compromising position. You hadn’t been this close to Jaskier — well, ever. Now that you were, it was like you never wanted to move. 

You couldn’t help the way your eyes involuntary flicked down to his lips, which were slightly parted as he caught his breath. You couldn’t help but let the memory of his lips on your own resurface, though you had tried to repress it many times before.

It seemed that Jaskier felt this too, because he lessened his grip on his sword, his focus being drawn to your lips as well.

_Perfect._

Taking advantage of the situation, you grabbed the handle of the sword and pushed it far enough away from your neck before swiftly lifting your knee straight into his groan. As Jaskier’s previously enticed face turned into one of pure pain, he let out a yelp of surprise, dropping his sword and falling to his knees. You unsheathed one of your knives and stepped behind Jaskier, grabbing his shoulder fiercely and sticking your knife along his neck.

_Blood. Blood everywhere. Your hands. Your knife. Covered in blood._

You blinked, quickly trying to recover from the memories that resurfaced.

Shaking your head, you released your grip and let him fall to the ground. 

Jaskier’s groan brought you back to reality, “ _Why_?”

You made your best effort to hide your grin, “Like I said: you _cannot_ let your guard down. Ever.”

“No fair,” he gasped.

You smirked, reaching a hand out to help him up, “You love it.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Satisfaction only happens if you take the leap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think a lottt of you are going to enjoy this chapter ;)))

You and Jaskier were back to the small village much later than you expected. The walk back wasn’t long, but the two of you had lost track of time training and, to your disapproval, sitting around. In the end, you let it happen because Jaskier needed breaks; in reality, you enjoyed sitting with Jaskier and talking about who knows what — but you wouldn’t admit that. Well, you didn’t _have_ to, because Jaskier teased you about it any chance he could. Either way, it was relatively late when you arrived at the inn, the two of you nearly breathless from carrying all of your supplies.

Of course, that didn’t stop Jaskier from talking.

“Well, I think it should be obvious that the groin area is off-limits.”

“Of course.” You pushed through the door to the inn, only half listening. The two of you didn’t make it halfway through the main floor before a voice sounded beside you.

“Hey, you.”

You practically felt the hair on your neck stand up, fearing the worst. Did someone find out what happened at the guild? Was someone there to kill you? To finish the job that you and the guild left behind?

All these questions fumbled in your brain as you turned towards the owner of the inn, who stood tall behind the bar.

You walked over, feeling Jaskier just behind you, “Is something wrong?”

The owner was barely phased by the tone of your voice, “You could call it that.” He flung his towel over his shoulder, “Your room. I had to give it to someone else.”

Jaskier stepped out from beside you, “What? Who?”

“Someone who was willing to pay the normal price.”

You groaned, “You couldn’t have given us a _warning_?”

“Maybe a day before you kicked us out onto the street?”

“Hold your horses. I’m not kicking you out, I moved you to another room.” You and Jaskier deflated as the owner fumbled in his pocket, “Here’s the key. This room’s actually worth the price you’re paying.”

Jaskier took the key in his free hand, “Great. Fantastic. Thank you, really.”

As you and Jaskier made your way to your new room, your mind wandered to Geralt. You hoped he would be getting back soon. After the three of you left Novigrad, he went off to do some jobs and earn some more coin, leaving you and Jaskier to hole up in this village. You would go off to do jobs as well if it weren’t for Jaskier; knowing him, he’d just want to come along, and you couldn’t afford him getting hurt. So, you relied on him playing his music for the townsfolk and hoped it would be enough to get you by. It was, but it came with some sacrifices. Unless he got a big gig soon, the two of you might have to camp in the woods and wait for Geralt.

Jaskier hummed pleasantly as he opened the door to your new room, “This isn’t so bad.”

You peeked over his shoulder with a nod — it really wasn’t. It was almost identical to the last one, just smaller. There was a table, dresser, same window view, and it was even on the same floor as before. As you dropped all of the equipment you were holding, you noticed one problem.

“I’ll take the floor,” you said before you could stop yourself. Jaskier frowned, letting his eyes fall on the one bed in the room.

“Nonsense.”

You clicked your tongue, “Well, _you_ aren’t sleeping on the floor.”

“Neither are you.”

Your eyes narrowed at the bard in front of you, “ _Jaskier_.”

“What? It’s big enough for both of us.” He scoffed, a teasing tone lacing in his voice,“And you thought _I_ was dramatic.”

You let your mouth fall open for a moment before slamming it closed. Maybe you _were_ being dramatic. It was a full-sized bed, and there was definitely enough space. But the pounding in your chest made your annoyance stronger as you unpacked some of your weapons and placed them on the single table in the room.

—

It was late. _Really_ late. The sky was full of stars and the moon was shining brightly through the window of your shared room, but still, you couldn’t sleep.

It wasn’t just Jaskier’s body beside you, close enough to hear his breathing as he, unlike yourself, fell into a peaceful sleep. It was the way your mind just couldn’t rest, thoughts flicking through your head like someone kept slapping you across the face.

You sat up against the headboard and played with one of your knives as you tried to calm your nerves. Still, this wasn’t really new to you. Especially in the last few nights, falling asleep was getting harder and harder. During the days, Jaskier was there to distract you; he made you laugh, groan, sigh, roll your eyes harder than you ever had in your life. But at night, you were left alone. In your thoughts. With no one to help you through them.

To be blunt, it sucked. You didn’t want to think about Rauf, or Joneta, or the guild. You wanted it to be over with. You wanted to forget about it. But you couldn’t. The blood on your hands, the knife in his heart, the bodies on the ground — it wasn’t going away. And it might never go away, at this rate.

You closed your eyes, letting the knife seamlessly shift between your fingers. The rhythm helped you breathe, helped you steady your heartbeat. As you focused on the rhythm, you thought of your mother.

You should have been thankful that your memories of her were all good. Her smile. Her singing. Her baking. Her scent. It was warm, flowery. In that moment, you thought you could smell it. It felt like you were laying in bed, waking up to her hug before she gave you breakfast.

“What are you thinking about?”

You nearly jabbed yourself with your knife at his voice, ripping your eyes open as you turned your head; Jaskier was still laying beside you, only now his eyes were open, looking at you.

“I didn’t know you were awake,” you said dumbly, still slightly surprised that he was this comfortable being close to you.

“You’re pretty fidgety. It’s hard to get sleep.”

You snorted at his jab, but turned away.

Jaskier sat up beside you, his eyes lingering on the side of your face, “What’s wrong? Really.”

You sighed and bit your lip. Jaskier could make you say so much without wanting to. You were so used to holding in your thoughts, to only speaking when you really had to, but with him…once he asked you something, all you wanted to do was spill your guts for him. It was dangerous, but you loved it.

“I was…thinking about Rauf.”

Jaskier nodded, “Your uncle.”

“Yeah.” You licked your lips, “But not just him. What he said before—” _I killed him_. Your eyes shifted to the man beside you, not being able to say the words aloud. Jaskier only nodded again, this time encouraging you to continue. “He mentioned my mother.”

“What about her?”

“He said…he said that my father didn’t kill her. That everything he told me about my childhood was a lie.” You felt the anger bubble in your chest, but pushed it back down. Keeping your voice steady, you continued, “He killed my father because he wanted to take me and my mother away. But when my mother said no, he left her and took me instead.”

Jaskier reached forward, placing a hand on your arm, “Y/N—“

“It’s not that.” You shook your head, “I just…she must still be out there. If he left her alive…she could have died somehow after, but—“

“You won’t know if you don’t try to find her.” You nodded, turning to Jaskier with glassy eyes. Even in the darkness, you could see the understanding in his expression. It amazed you how well he knew you in the relatively short amount of time you knew him.

Insecurity engulfed you for a moment, and you let it. Tears welled at the corners of your eyes as you looked back at him, “If she is alive…what if she doesn’t want to see me? What if she…what if she forgot about me?”

“No one could forget about you.”

His sincerity made you scoff, “You’d be surprised.”

You only realized the impact of your words when Jaskier’s hand left your arm, his eyes slightly dejected in the darkness.

Turning away from Jaskier, you shifted your body and stepped out of bed, feeling his gaze on you as you did so. You walked over to the table, placing your knife on it before putting your hands on the chair beside it as you closed your eyes. You couldn’t help the pain rising in your chest at the memories — Jaskier getting stabbed, his blood everywhere, coating your skin — and then the kiss.

“I remember, you know.”

Your stomach dropped at the sound of his voice. “What?”

The bed squeaked as he got out of it; his voice was soft as he walked towards you, “When I was stabbed. When we…I remember.”

When you turned around, he was right there in front of you, his eyes swarming with something that made your stomach churn. It was a want, a _need,_ for something you couldn’t even imagine. His eyes immediately fell on your lips, which were parted slightly in surprise. Could this be real? Could he be serious? How could he remember?

But at this point, you didn’t really care. You opened your mouth wider as if you were going to say something, but the words died on your tongue. Because Jaskier was right in front of you, and he was reaching forward, placing a hand on the side of your face, and from that point, you lost any thought that was screaming at you to stop.

You gripped the hand he held on your face and used it to pull yourself towards him, finally feeling the pressure of his lips against your own, the feeling you had been reminiscing for who knows how long. But this time, the kiss didn’t fill you with that mix of sadness and desperation — this time, it was desperation and…. _satisfaction_. Pleasure. Contentment. Any word that explained just how long you had been waiting for this to happen, though you rarely admitted it to yourself.

Jaskier’s hand found your waist, his fingers gripping into your undershirt like he would never let go — and you didn’t want him to. Your mind whirled with incoherent thoughts as the kiss deepened, your fingers scratching into his scalp as you breathed in through your nose, bending your back slightly as Jaskier pulled your body into his.

When you both came up for air, a small laugh escaped your lips, disbelief and relief rolling off of you as you kept your fingers wrapped in his hair.

The words you spoke were the first ones that came to your mind, the first words you were able to speak after your heart finally slowed to its normal rate, “I have to find my mom.”

Jaskier smiled, delicately dragging his thumb across your cheek, “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEY FINALLY DID IT!!! Can you believe it?? Did it live up to your expectations?? Let me know!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An ‘atmosphere of love’ has many facets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is pretty much all fluff but I think it is well deserved ;)

The euphoria you felt after… _the kiss_ — it was electrifying. It coursed through your veins all night as the two of you were in the bed you previously thought would be an issue, but now were silently thanking the inn owner for. You and Jaskier spent the rest of the night just laying there, shifting in and out of sleep, every so often giving the other a lingering touch on their face or hands or arms. It was the best sleep you had in a long, long time.

But of course, this euphoria couldn’t last.

As soon as you woke up the next day, you were determined. As exhilarated as you were from your kiss with Jaskier, your mind was occupied with another focus: your mother. After months of not having a real mission, or target, a familiar feeling coursed over you that you didn’t quite realize you missed: you felt like you had a purpose again, and this time it felt even more powerful because it was a purpose you gave yourself.

That didn’t mean it was easy. Weeks seemed to go by in a flash — weeks of you going page by page through Rauf’s old journals and notes. At every new entry you were practically fighting the urge to rip the pages to shreds, or burn them, or hang them and use them as target practice. It was safe to say your memories of Rauf were tainted by his last moments, and even though you had nightmares every now and again, nothing could beat the disdain you had for the man.

The research was torture. Complete and utter torture.

But, even as you struggled to search for any sign of your mother’s whereabouts, Jaskier was always there to distract you when you needed it. And distractions were something you needed _a lot_.

A distraction could come in many different facets. Training, drinks in the tavern, a walk in the woods. But it could also be slightly more…straightforward.

If you got too frustrated with Rauf’s words hanging in your mind, you’d get up from your seat and rush over to Jaskier, who was usually practicing his lute. He’d move it out of the way in time for you to practically jump him; you’d let him grab your waist as you sat in his lap, not bothering to explain as you shared a heated kiss. You two would move to the rhythm you had come to find, all before you removed yourself from him like nothing ever happened. By now, he was used to it — and neither of you were complaining. Again, it was one of the many perks to having him around while you were doing your research.

But even small breaks like that couldn’t keep you sane for long. And Jaskier knew that —which is why he so giddily told you of a wedding banquet performance he landed.

It was no surprise that he got the job — you’d seen how easy it was for him to perform, and his talent was something you had grown to admire. But the surprise came in the suggestion _after_ his good news.

Jaskier’s lips straightened into a thin line before he grimaced, already knowing the words he would speak could be the death of him.

“I need a date.”

You straightened in your spot, nearly disregarding the pile of papers in your lap. “Huh?”

“For the wedding banquet? The _illustrious_ performance? I need a date. A plus one, if you will.”

You deepened your frown. You, at a _wedding_? The only time you were close to a wedding was when you had a target who was an invite, and even then, you… _eliminated_ him as he drunkenly stumbled just outside the banquet premises.

Now, you certainly wouldn’t let Jaskier go alone to a banquet, especially one with such a gathering. The two of you still weren’t sure if he was completely safe after your guild was destroyed, so even seemingly safe places were a risk. But for you to actually be present inside the party rather than lingering on the outside? That wasn’t something you were ready to be apart of.

You shook your head at the bard whose bottom lip stuck out in a plea, “No. Not happening.”

Jaskier groaned, “Come on, it’ll be fun!”

“Jaskier—“

“I’ve never taken you on a proper date, Y/N, and this is the closest thing we’ll get to one.” Your features softened at his sincerity. “I’ve been improving in training, not fighting the long, _treacherous_ , hours I am forced to duel with such a wonderful human as yourself—“ Your scoff only made him louder, “I think I deserve a reward, hm? And you as well.”

He gestured to the papers in your lap, eyebrows raised in censure.

You clicked your tongue, “Your idea of a reward is dragging me to a wedding banquet?”

“One I will be getting paid heftily for and will have lots and _lots_ of free food.” You raised your brows, not convinced. Jaskier groaned, taking your hands in his own. “What will convince you to say yes?”

You blinked, “Not much.”

The sternness in your eyes softened as he leaned forward, placing a soft kiss on your lips. It was so sweet, so simple, that you had to force yourself not to swoon when you parted. With his forehead to your own, he whispered, “Please?”

You sighed, regretting how easy it was for him to make you cave, “Fine.”

“Spectacular!” Jaskier jumped away from you, clapping his hands together with a wide smile. “I have your outfit on the way.”

Your voice couldn’t have been drier, “Great.”

—

As soon as you and Jaskier made it to the banquet, it was painfully obvious you had never set foot in one before. You were constantly tugging at the clothes Jaskier picked for you, feeling like they were too tight or too loose or just wildly uncomfortable. They were stunning, sure, but on you, it felt just…wrong. You were so grateful that Jaskier didn’t have a fit about you keeping your knives on you — the long sleeves and cuffs covered them up enough. That helped you feel at least a tiny bit more comfortable — that, and Jaskier at your side.

The two of you strode into the main hall like you owned the place. And by ‘the two of you’, it was almost 100% Jaskier. He smiled genuinely at the royals he passed, complimented people whenever he could, and even recognized a few of them. It was moments like this that you forgot Jaskier was put through all the events of the guild, and that you were apart of it. Before then, this was probably a normal occurrence. Performances might have been the craziest part of his life.

While all this was happening, you tried to look natural. You didn’t know what the proper etiquette of a date was, so you just let Jaskier lead you wherever you went. He sat with you at the table you were given, chatting lowly with you as the rest of the guests arrived.

“How do you feel?” He asked, his hand resting on your own.

You took a sharp breath in. _I feel like I don’t belong._ But the truth wasn’t something Jaskier should hear right now — not before his performance.

You sighed. “How do _you_ feel? Are you ready to go up there?”

“I was _born_ ready.”

“Of course.”

A strange silence fell over you two. It wasn’t something you were used to. Silence with Jaskier was the strangest feeling. It wasn’t like you two couldn’t just sit in each other’s presence without speaking— the difference this time was that Jaskier was looking at you like he _wanted_ to speak, but couldn’t find the words.

But soon, he did. “What do you think of weddings?”

“I don’t, really.” You turned to him slightly, removing your gaze from the people around you. “Why?”

“I’ve been to a lot of banquets, a lot of weddings. No matter how many times I perform, nothing quite beats the atmosphere of true love, does it?”

You searched his face, then shrugged. “I suppose not.” Quite frankly, you didn’t know what atmosphere he was talking about. The only things you noticed in places like this were the amount of people and the possible dangers. And you always made sure to take account of every exit, just in case. But love? And _true_ love, at that?

You were still mulling his observation over when he spoke again, “Did I tell you that you’re wonderful today?”

The heat rose to your skin quicker than you could cough out a ‘yes’. Because, indeed, Jaskier had made a point of complimenting you, and had done so multiple times on the way over. And every time, it didn’t fail to make you flustered.

Being with Jaskier didn’t mean you were used to his charm.

By the time your face finally cooled down, it was time for him to perform. He patted your hand, a silent reminder that he would be back very soon. But while he performed, his eyes would only wander from yours for a fraction of time — and when they found yours again, they seemed starved of your presence, starved of your gaze.

As you watched him play, you were taken back to one of the first moments you shared. He had let you play his lute — or, try to. Watching him now, you didn’t even want to recall how awful it had sounded when you did it. But you supposed that wasn’t the point. Good sound or not, it brought you two together.

—

The night was going longer than you expected. If you were being honest, you were a little bored. There was no point to a banquet other than having a good time, no fights to keep your mind occupied — well, except for the two men in a fighting match over who killed more elves. Other than that, all you could do was watch Jaskier perform and wonder how much time was left in this ‘atmosphere of love’.

Eventually, Jaskier’s performance was concluded. The band behind him continued playing, becoming immediately worse as soon as he stopped singing. You smiled as he accepted compliments from guests on his way over to you. Though you were a bit restless in environments like this, seeing him in his element was always worth it.

That’s what you thought until he came up to you, reaching his hand out for you to accept.

Your smile immediately turned into a glare. “You are not making me dance here, Jaskier.”

Jaskier laughed, making your stiffened body relax, “No, I am not.”

Though you were relieved, you frowned, taken back by his words. “Why?”

“Because you don’t like it. Last time I tried to make you dance with me you told me you’d rather stab your own eye out.” Jaskier let his hand fall to his side. “Why would I make you do something you hate?”

You blinked, still surprised by how well he knew you. “What do you suppose we should do now, then?”

Jaskier looked around him, “Well…we could leave.”

“But—“

“My performance is over and this wedding banquet is a drag.” Jaskier’s smile made your heart leap, “Besides, we can have much _more_ fun back in our room.”

It was impossible for you to miss his wink, and still, it made your skin feel like it was on fire.

Wordlessly, you let him take your hand, and the two of you practically ran out of that achingly boring banquet.

—

“Well that was a bit dull, wasn’t it?”

Jaskier dropped his lute into its case as soon as the door was closed behind you.

You lifted your leg onto the nearby chair to remove your knives, “Apart from your performance, I would have rather listened to Geralt snore.”

“He would kill you if he heard that.”

You snorted, “He would try.”

With a huff, you put your knives on the table and looked down at the outfit Jaskier chose for you. After this long of a night, they didn’t feel as uncomfortable as they did before — still, you didn’t think you would ever wear it again. But something about the way Jaskier was sitting in the chair beside the bed, rolling up the sleeves of his undershirt, it made something shift inside of you.

With a click of your tongue, you walked over to Jaskier with your hand stretched towards him.

He frowned, “What’s this?”

You shrugged, “I owe you a dance.”

“You don’t have to—“

“I don’t like dancing. In _public_.” You pointedly looked around the room, then back to Jaskier. “I don’t see anyone but us in here.”

To his silence, you stretched your hand further, urging him to take it.

He did.

In the silence of the room, you felt like everything was so loud. Jaskier fell into position so naturally that it took you aback — his hand fell on your waist, his other one grabbing your own in a simultaneously strong and soft grip, pulling your body close enough to his to feel his chest rise and fall against yours. And just like that, you were dancing.

Okay, _Jaskier_ was dancing. You tried to follow as closely as possible, but dancing was never something you were taught as a child. Or an adult, for that matter. And even though it was commonly compared to fighting, you couldn’t seem to get the hang of where your feet should go and when.

It was the third time you stepped on Jaskier’s foot when he snorted a laugh, “You need lessons.”

You finally looked up from the floor and back at his face, no longer worrying about where your feet went. “Shut up.”

“Okay.”

His head dipped closer to yours, forehead resting against your own as if asking for permission for a kiss. You both knew he didn’t need it, but the gesture made you smile. And then your eyes fell to his lips, smile falling as you closed the remaining space between you two — and even though it definitely wasn’t the first time, the kiss engulfed you in that euphoric feeling your remembered so clearly, the feeling that followed you ever since you and Jaskier became a ‘we’.

And suddenly, that ‘atmosphere of true love’ that Jaskier mentioned earlier that evening…it didn’t seem so foreign anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :,))))


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The return of a friend may bring a new approach to hardships.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to say for this chapter except that I hope y'all enjoy it!

This was taking way too long.

When you first thought to look through Rauf’s seemingly countless journals, notes, archive books, and who knew what else, you thought you could fly through them and possibly get your answers in the first week of research.

Clearly, that was not the case.

It was day twelve thousand and who the fuck knows, and you still had no leads of where your mother was. Let’s just say Rauf wasn’t one to make typical journal entries. They were all cryptic, or strictly professional. You wished he would take after a poet and write every little feeling down, that way this process would be easier on you and everyone around you.

‘Everyone around you’ being Jaskier.

“Gods be _fucking damned_!”

Jaskier blinked at your hunched over figure by the window of your room, having just walked in from the tavern below. “Nice to see you too.”

You threw the current notebook you were reading on the floor with a little more force than necessary. “This is _pointless_.”

“Now, I wouldn’t go that far.” Jaskier walked over and picked up the book, placing it gently on the table next to the pile of ever-growing papers. He sat beside you on the window sill, placing a hand on your knee which had been bopping up and down from frustration. “You need a break.”

“I need a _drink_.”

“That too.” Jaskier placed a kiss on your cheek and patted your leg before standing up, grabbing his lute and opening the door to your room so you would follow him downstairs. “I have a surprise for you in the tavern — but don’t get your hopes up. It’s not a pony.”

Your frustration had died down enough by Jaskier’s presence that you actually had to stifle a laugh at his words; wordlessly, you followed the bard down to the tavern where he was supposed to be preparing a performance. Though he was relatively famous elsewhere, the people of this village didn’t care too much for his shows — or maybe they had just gotten sick of them. Still, he managed a deal with the inn owner to lessen the cost of your room if he played shows every other night.

Your mind was still clouded by thoughts of your frustration when the two of you made it to the tavern floor. You had almost forgotten that Jaskier mentioned a surprise — that was, until, your eyes immediately fell upon it. Or, _him_.

You gasped at the stark white hair that was facing the opposite direction, sitting at a small table not far from you. Your voice came out in a breath of disbelief, “Geralt?”

The witcher turned around, and at the sight of you and Jaskier, he stood from his spot. After months of not seeing him, he somehow looked bigger.

The size of your smile nearly surprised you, but you didn’t suppress it as you rushed over to him. “Oh, _gods_. It’s been a while.”

He merely nodded, but couldn’t suppress his smile either. “It has.”

Jaskier stood between you two, placing his hands on both of your arms, “As much as I love this reunion, I do have a performance to give to this lovely group of people. Save a drink for me later, yeah?” Geralt simply nodding, and Jaskier sent you a wink before settling on the makeshift stage in the tavern.

You patted Geralt’s arm before sitting at the table across from him, where a drink was already set down for you. “Jaskier was right. It’s definitely a surprise to see you here, but about time. You look…different, somehow.”

“I could say the same.” Geralt nodded, and for the first time in a while, you noticed just how old his eyes looked. Not in a measure of age, but instead a measure of his knowledge. His lips quirked up slightly at the way you were staring at him in something short of awe. “You look good. Calmer.”

You snorted, lifting your drink to your lips, “If only I felt that.”

Jaskier’s voice filled the tavern’s walls, his lute accompanying him in a flawless duet. You looked over your shoulder, watching him practically prance around despite the lack of care from the tavern folk.

Geralt’s voice made you turn back around, “He looks better.”

You nodded, taking a sip of the drink Jaskier had no doubt chosen for you. In the months that you and Geralt convinced him to stay put, he had definitely gained back his energy and strength. Right after the three of you left Novigrad, it sent a pang to your stomach just to look at him. He was so fragile, so tired, and generally sad. It was strange to see Jaskier like that, and even though he had the same charm about him, it was dull. But he got better, and now he was pretty much back to his normal self.

Geralt’s voice brought you back to reality again, “You two have gotten closer.”

You nearly choked on your drink, but kept the cup high enough to cover the obvious surprise etched on your face. Geralt only smirked.

When you gained your composure, you managed a shrug, “There’s a lot you missed.”

“You know that witchers have sensitive hearing, don’t you?”

You frowned. Of course you knew that. Geralt could hear bandits that were further than you could even see — not to mention how he heard Jaskier’s faint heartbeat that night at your guild.

You blinked away the flashes of that memory, instead focusing on the cup in your hand. After you nodded, Geralt watched you with nothing short of amusement.

“What?” You snapped, already annoyed by his presence. You forgot how full of himself he could be — even more-so than Jaskier.

Geralt nodded, “Hearing heartbeats helps in more strenuous situations. I can tell where people — or creatures, are. I can tell when they are lying. When they’re afraid.” He shifted his eyes to Jaskier, who continued performing. “And then there’s the opposite side. The one that spikes a heartbeat because of a human’s strongest emotion. _Love_. The one that happens when he looks at you. Or you look at him.”

Your jaw was open wide enough to catch flies. You tried to ignore the word he used: _love_. Instead, you focused on the general summary of what he said. “You _knew_?”

“Even without the hearing I would’ve known.”

Your eyes widened, face heating up even more at the way he smirked playfully at you. But for you, nothing about this was playful. It felt like an attack. You almost wanted to punch Geralt in the face, to hide behind your own skin. Somehow, Geralt’s simple ability felt like an invasion of privacy. But still, you laughed.

“Piss off, witcher.”

Once you cooled down, he spoke again — this time, without the glint in his eye that made you want to stab something. “Jaskier told me you’ve been doing your share of research.”

You scoffed, “ _Trying_ to. Did he go into details?”

“No.” You tilted your head. Jaskier had, for lack of better words, a big mouth; still, he must’ve known you would want to bring this up with Geralt yourself. You made a mental note to thank him for that later.

You swirled the drink in your hand, keeping your eyes trained on the way it moved in your cup. “Before my uncle died, he told me my mother was alive. That he didn’t kill her when he took me from my village. So…I’m trying to find her.” You looked back at Geralt, who listened with his typically stoic face. “It’s been harder than I thought it would be. In all of his notebooks, he didn’t bother to mention any clues about finding her.”

“Have you tried going to the village he took you from?”

“I was too young when he took me away to remember where it is. And he didn’t write it down. Trust me, I’ve looked. Multiple times.”

“Hm.” Geralt sat back in his seat, a frown finding its way on his face. After a moment, he spoke, “What about that other guild leader? The one in Novigrad.”

You tilted your head in consideration. Arnet was the one who gave you Rauf’s belongings, the one who knew Rauf best — it was completely possible that he would know where your mother was, or at least where she used to be.

Still, you shook your head. “No.”

“No?”

“I _could_ go back. Maybe I’d get lucky and he’d let me in. But…the chance is too slim.” At Geralt’s frown, you continued. “I _might_ have thrown away my guild patch. He wouldn’t trust me if I didn’t have it.”

You slumped back in your seat, downing the rest of your drink with a heavy gulp. That night that Jaskier was still unconscious in bed, you ripped the patch from your cloak like it was poisonous. Because in a way, it was. You didn’t want to have anything to do with it, not after you spoke to Arnet for what you thought was the last time. And even though Arnet could be the key to finding your mother, it would be a big risk to try and talk to him without the patch. He would be suspicious, for _sure_.

But instead of slumping back like you did, Geralt leaned over to the satchel that was beside him, digging around for something. With a grunt, he pulled out the very patch that you thought you would never see again, and put it on the table in front of you.

Your mouth dropped open, “What? How?”

The glint in Geralt’s eye returned. “I found it in the room in Novigrad. Took it before we left. Thought might come in handy.”

“Oh my gods.” You grabbed the patch from the table, almost not believing it was there. You never thought seeing the familiar embroidering would give you such _joy_. It wasn’t the same disgusting reminder as it once was — now, it felt like you were holding the key that would further your journey in finding your mother.

“Oh my gods!” You repeated, letting a joyous laugh escape your lips as a wide smile filled your features.

Geralt quirked a brow ever so slightly, leaning back in his chair with a smirk. “You’re welcome.”

—

“Never did I think that as soon as we saw Geralt again, I would be saying another goodbye to you.”

You and Jaskier were back in your shared room, not long after the three of you had shared a round of drinks in the tavern. After you each retired to your respective places, you broke the news to Jaskier. And although he was just as excited as you were to find new information, the truth dawned on both of you soon enough.

“I won’t be gone for nearly as long.” Your voice was almost empty of emotion, and you hated yourself for it. Goodbyes were never a thing you needed or cared for. But right now, it would hurt too much to actually say it. In fact, it hurt too much to _look_ at Jaskier, which was why you put all your energy into packing your small bag.

“Y/N.” Jaskier’s hand found its way on your wrist, pulling your attention away from the bag that was not as interesting as you made it seem. You turned to Jaskier, trying to ignore the tug that made its way in your chest.

Jaskier placed a hand on your cheek, letting you fall into his touch. He nearly whispered, “I know you have to do this. But I _will_ miss you.”

His tone of complete sincerity made you swoon. His hand guided your face towards his own, but just as your lips were about to meet his, you pulled back slightly. “You better not follow me this time.”

Jaskier smiled a mischievous smile and moved his hands to your waist, pulling you against his chest. “And what if I did?”

“You’d better hope those training sessions have come in handy.”

“Hm.” This time, you let him connect his lips to yours, tasting the drinks that you shared in the tavern. Your hands were finding their way behind his head when he pulled away. “Do you really think I could beat you?”

You smiled, twirling his hair beneath your fingertips. “No.”

And you kissed him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That last ‘no’ was the epitome of ‘no ❤️’.
> 
> Let me know your thoughts! :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaining the information you needed isn’t easy, and brings up old memories.

Night cascaded the sky around you — it wasn’t nearly as dark as it was in the village you and Jaskier had been holed up in, but the city of Novigrad still had a way of surprising you. The torches only lit the streets enough to see a couple feet ahead of you, but the darkness was comforting. It made you wonder what Jaskier was doing right now, as you made your way towards Arnet’s guild.

To say being back in Novigrad was strange would be an understatement. The nearer you got to the city, the worse your stomach churned. It reminded you of the months prior, of the incident with Rauf and Jaskier and how everything that you once knew seemed to fall apart. 

But being completely honest, your life was better than it had ever been. You were happy, you felt safer — despite constantly fearing someone after you or Jaskier’s head. But being with Jaskier did make you calmer, as Geralt noted. You weren’t a machine like Rauf once saw you. You were just…you. 

But now, with your cloak hood hiding your face as you wandered the alleyways of Novigrad, you felt more like your old self than you had in a while. The patch that you re-sewed into your cloak felt like it weighed a ton on the fabric, but still, you kept walking. Because you were going to get the information you needed, no matter the cost.

You rounded the corner on the street to Arnet’s guild, slowing your steps as you neared the main entrance.

The last time you were here, Rauf had just died by your knife. His lifeless eyes still haunted your dreams, but being back in the city made you think you would see them around every corner.

You were glad when the door hatch opened before you, where a woman grimaced at your figure.

Silently, you flipped the collar of your cloak so the woman could see your patch.

“Y/N.”

You weren’t completely surprised that she knew who you were — you were more…unsettled.

Walking through the familiar guild had you internally cringing. Assassins all around were sharpening weapons, healing their wounds, hanging around. More than anything, you wanted to exterminate this guild just like your own. But you knew doing that, right now, wasn’t the right choice. Until you found what you were looking for, these people would have to continue on killing others for nothing but coin. You hoped, at the least, that some of these people felt the heavy weight of guilt that you did.

But you doubted that.

As soon as you were lead to Arnet’s room, he got up to greet you, “Y/N. It’s a pleasure, as always.” 

You nodded, forcing a small smile on your face as he clapped his hand to your shoulder. “What do I owe this pleasure, child?”

You shifted under his gaze, swallowing the lump in your throat. Though you were far from being an assassin, you had the urge to stab him right there, to end both the suffering you were feeling and the suffering that he would inevitably bring to others — by his hand, or by the members of his guild. Instead, you shook it off, and cleared your throat.

“I have to be honest, Arnet. I didn’t come to catch up.”

Arnet nodded and walked over to the seating area in his room. “I figured as much. You were always a bit more serious than your uncle, though that isn’t a bad thing.”

The words stung you, but you masked it. “I came to ask about my mother."

“I can’t say I know too much. Why do you ask?”

You froze. In all the time it took to come back here, you never really came up with a plan. You tried to, multiple times, but then would get distracted by other nerves. But in this moment, a conversation with Rauf entered your mind. It was after one of your visits to Arnet, when you were still too young to go on your own missions. Rauf was mostly talking to himself, but he spoke aloud: _Arnet is a bit of a stubborn bastard. But he knows the sweet taste of revenge. The need for justice._

You took in a breath, shoving the memory of Rauf to the back of your mind before it made you want to smash something. 

“Rauf told me the truth. The night before he died.” You swallowed down your lies as Arnet tilted his head. “I’m sure you knew already. That he killed my father.”

Arnet blinked, not showing any other emotion on his face. “I did.”

“He…he told me of the betrayal my mother showed him. That she didn’t remain loyal. But he also told me that he couldn’t kill her for the heartbreak she forced upon him.” You had to swallow the bile that rose in your throat. These lies you spoke made your tongue feel heavy, your saliva thick. “I want to finish what Rauf couldn’t. But his journals leave no trace of her. I can understand _why_ , but…I thought you might be able to help.”

Arnet considered you for a moment. You may have been seen as sort of family to him, but that didn’t mean you were close. You couldn’t read his expression as he took a sip of his drink, so you kept your face as stoic as possible. _Stiff as a sober Geralt_ , Jaskier would say. 

“Though I don’t know if this is the best way to spend your time, I can respect the drive you show.” You nodded, hiding the desperation in your eyes. “But I hate to tell you that I don’t have a clue where your mother could be.”

This time, you visibly shrunk in your spot. The disappointment filled your eyes, nearly consuming your thoughts. But you weren’t giving up that easily. “What about the village I grew up in? Do you know where that is?”

Arnet nodded, “It’s in Velen. Not far from the crossroads. But I doubt that she stayed there.”

“Of course.” The fact didn’t matter. You were tempted to jump out of your seat then, to get on your horse and find the village by morning. Even then, you would have more of a lead as to where your mother went. But the sense in you kept you put. You needed more information, just in case.

“And…what do you know about my mother?”

Arnet sighed, leaning back in his chair. “I’ve only heard of your mother through your uncle. She was a beauty, but many women like that are…trouble. Your uncle had his head in the clouds. I told him that more often than he could count, and he always told me to piss off.”

“Sounds about right.”

Arnet chuckled, continuing on with a small smile. He looked like a simple old man telling a story of an old friend; it almost calmed you, until you realized who he was, and who his friend was. 

You frowned as he spoke, “He was quite the romantic. Wanted to give your mother everything she wanted —buy her land for a farm, get her a shop to sell her goods. He was ready to give up _everything_ for her. And for you.”

You blinked away the anger that had begun to form in your eyes. If he was such a romantic, he could have left you and your family alone. He could have let his ‘beloved’ live the life she wanted to instead of the one _he_ wanted her to. 

He gave up everything for you. That must have meant he gave up his morals, his honor, his _humanity_ , as well. And that was not something to be proud of.

Noticing the amount of time he had been talking, Arnet faltered. He leaned forward in his seat. “Maybe I can find some of my men to help you on your journey. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind—“

“No.” You backtracked, realizing how panicked you sounded, “I mean, I need to do this alone.”

“I understand.” Arnet smiled at you, just for a moment, before standing up. “Well, I’m afraid that is all the information I have for you.”

You stood up as well, “Thank you, Arnet. Really.”

“Thank _you_ , Y/N. For carrying your the burden’s your uncle couldn’t seem to fulfill.”

You couldn’t help the memories that surfaced to your brain. Rauf’s blood. His eyes, glazed over. But unlike from your dreams, these memories made you straighten your back, clench your jaw. Because though Rauf seemed to haunt you, you were glad he was out of this world. Dead. And one day, you would be glad to see Arnet in his place as well.

You nodded your head at the man in front of you, looking straight into his eyes as you spoke. “It is my honor.”

_—_

As you descended the path away from Novigrad, you realized you hadn’t gotten there in the middle of the night, but rather the end. The sun had already begun to rise as you and Buttercup gradually left the city behind you. The further you got, the better you felt — though now, there was a new feeling rising in your chest. Hope, yes, but also worry. Now that you knew where to go to find your mother, you wondered what would be there to greet you. You didn’t let yourself believe she would still be there, because you knew she wouldn’t. But still, you hoped there would be more of a clue of where she had gone.

Your mind was racing when you caught sight of something on the road away from the city. You pulled on Buttercup’s reigns, slowing her down as your eyes focused on something you really hoped you didn’t see. But as you got closer, you knew it was exactly what you feared.

“You’ve got to be _joking_.” You grunted, getting Buttercup to stop just on the edge of the path next to another… _very familiar_ horse.

You pat Roach's side before walking a bit further into the woods. And just as you suspected, there a small camp with Geralt and Jaskier sitting around a fire. You were almost amused at their presence — they hadn’t even bothered to hide, being just off the path.But your frustration slid the smirk from your lips, replacing it with a scowl.

“I told you not to follow me.” Your voice startled the men — and by men, it was mostly Jaskier. He jumped from his spot on the ground, only to give a relieved smile at the sight of you. 

You kept your scowl firm as he made his way over to you. “Oh, my. Y/N, how funny it is to see you here! Geralt and I were just on…a stroll. A very, very, very long stroll. Towards the same place you happened to be. What a funny coincidence, hm?”

You blinked. “Hilarious.”

You glared at Geralt as he walked past you two and back to the horses, before turning back to Jaskier. The bard tilted his head, placing a hand on your shoulder with a sigh. 

“Come on, we let you go _in_ alone. I just wanted to make sure you got _out_ alone too.” Noticing your glare soften — only slightly — he brought his arm around your shoulders and guided you back to the horses, where Geralt was patting Roach's side. “We couldn’t let you take this wondrous, self-discovering journey alone, could we Geralt?” 

Your furious glare made Geralt sigh, finally turning to look you in the eye. “He wouldn’t stop talking” 

“Then you should’ve knocked him out.” 

Jaskier squeezed your shoulder. “And _he_ is standing right here, love.” 

You would’ve swooned at the new nickname if not for the anger in your chest. But just like it always happened with Jaskier, once you looked into his eyes, your shoulders dropped. 

“We need to find a place to stay for the night. We have…a bit of a journey ahead of us.”

Jaskier clapped his hands together and helped himself up to Buttercup with an all too-bright smile. “Ah, just like old times, huh?” 

Both you and Geralt rolled your eyes, simultaneously barking out a, “Shut up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another journey officially begins! Let me know your thoughts! :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Traveling has never been harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I hope you’re doing well :))) I’m starting school again next week so hopefully i’ll be able to keep up with these updates 😬 Also, sorry this chapter is a bit shorter :/ next one has a bit more juice, if ya catch my drift lmao   
> Anyway, enjoy!

Traveling with Jaskier and Geralt was way worse than you remembered.

To be fair, the last time you traveled with them it was a relatively short distance — now, traveling from Novigrad to Velen, you were ready to stab both men in the legs before traveling any further.

Being around the two men wasn’t the problem — it was being around the two men when you only had a few coin left. It was always said that money could make a man go mad, in more ways than one. But this time, you could only blame it on two things: hunger, and lack of sleep.

Your arms were crossed over your chest, face drawn in a scowl as you looked at the man before you. “Jaskier, we need to feed the horses.”

Jaskier placed his hands on his hips, his coin pouch clasped in his grip. You were currently blocking him from going to buy food because, with the coin you had left, there wouldn’t be enough for everyone.

Still, Jaskier scoffed. “I’ll have you know, _man_ is very close to _horse_ —“

“Man is closer to a _donkey_.”

Jaskier’s mouth dropped open. “Are you calling me an ass?”

You snorted. “You did that yourself.” The man threw his arms in the air, turning away from you so he could shake his head. You looked around, praying that Geralt would return quickly — you needed someone to back you up, since Jaskier clearly wasn’t seeing reason.

You couldn’t even remember the last time you ate or slept for more than a couple hours. The past few nights, the three of you camped out in the woods, not having enough coin to get your own rooms at any inn. To be blunt…it had taken a toll on all of you.

You softened your voice once Jaskier faced you again. “We just need to make it a little bit further to Velen, and then—“

“Then what? We starve _there_?”

“We’ll find a _place_ there, maybe catch some jobs for coin. Then we can feed the animals—” You paused, looking to Jaskier with a hint of playfulness in your voice, “ _and_ the horses.”

Jaskier’s jaw dropped, not nearly as amused as you were, “I am worried about all of our _health_ , love."

“Will both of you shut up.” Geralt appeared, placing a hand on Roach’s side with a huff. You and Jaskier snapped your gaze to him, almost comically so. You rolled your eyes at Geralt’s smirk, but he continued nonetheless. “While you two were arguing, I got us two rooms for the night.”

Your eyebrows shot up, “Two _rooms_?” You flicked your eyes to Jaskier. “At this rate, I’m sharing a room with the witcher.”

Jaskier’s eyes narrowed as he looked down at you, “You _definitely_ don’t mean that.” He pointed a finger in Geralt’s direction. “Where, exactly, did you get this coin?”

Geralt only turned away towards Roach, lifting an apple to the horse’s mouth. You and Jaskier watched in a stupor at the apple as it disappeared between Roach’s teeth, both hiding the way your mouths watered at the sight.

Blinking out of your trance, you huffed. “It’s probably best we don’t know.”

Silently, you and Jaskier gathered your bags from Buttercup’s back, following Geralt as he led the two of you through the shabbiest looking inn you had possibly ever seen; right now, it looked better than a luxury. And as soon as you and Jaskier walked into the room, you both made a beeline for the bed, backs hitting the mattress at the same time.

In complete synchronization, you let out a sigh a relief — you hadn’t slept on a mattress in quite some time.

“This is better than food.” Jaskier murmured, his voice raspy as he let his eyes flutter closed.

You rolled your head towards Jaskier, apology etched in your sleepy eyes. “We’ll make sure to get some food soon.”

He smiled, eyes still closed, and placed his hand in yours. “I know.”

—

The next morning was better than the last, but not by much. It turned out that getting a good night's sleep only made you _more_ tired — and more hungry. But even through the snippy remarks and silent glares, you all knew your words meant practically nothing.

Road trips were recipes for attitude. You had traveled long treks before, but mostly alone. Now that you were with the two men you had come to call friends, it was a different experience entirely. While before you could internally curse out the squirrel that looked at you the wrong way, now, you had two other people to yell at.

And, you assumed, Geralt and Jaskier were used to the random anger that came with being on the road for too long — Geralt definitely more so than Jaskier.

But soon, the three of you found a place to pick up jobs here and there (some more humiliating than others — like finding a farmers’ lost chickens, which was rather funny to watch Geralt do). You had enough coin to eat, find a place to stay the night, and by then, you were only a little under a day’s trip away from Velen.

Even though Arnet told you the village was near the crossroads of Velen, it still left a bit of a search for the three of you. The trip was taking longer than you hoped, though you tried not to hope at all.

Hope only led to disappointment, which you were well aware of. But something about this trip had your typically pessimistic outlook on a low. It was probably because of Jaskier, who was constantly looking on the bright side.

Sometimes, very literally.

“The sun is a beauty, isn’t it? Even as it falls, it transforms the sky.”

“I think you’ve been looking at the sun a bit too long.” You felt Jaskier laugh against your back; his hands settled around your waist as Buttercup lead the way down the road you had been following for quite some time.

Jaskier’s talk about the sun made you look at it as well; it was getting late, as the sun was falling closer and closer to the horizon. You sighed, realizing today was yet another dead end. You just _had_ to keep going, no matter how many times you were let down. You owed your mother that much.

But ahead, you noticed the brown wood of a building — another village.

You flicked Buttercup’s reigns, “Hyah!”

Your heart sped up as you neared the relatively small area. It was a village — _was_ being the key word. The buildings that _were_ still standing were on their last limb; it looked as though the wood had been decaying for quite some time, not nearly strong enough to hold itself up for much longer. This village was completely abandoned. Any signs of life that had been there…they were long gone.

You blinked at the sight in front of you, a mix of emotions filling your entire being.

 _There’s no way_.

Jaskier’s voice took you out of your head. “Why are we stopping?”

You slid off the horse, swallowing the lump that had formed in your throat. Avoiding his and Geralt’s gaze, you spoke.

“This was my village.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :( let me know your thoughts!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All that lies ahead is a skeleton of what you called home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been less than a week and school is kicking my ass :) lol anyway, I hope yall enjoy the chapter!

_The sky was bright, not a cloud to block any of the sun’s shine. The local farmers wiped tirelessly at the sweat that formed on their foreheads, but still, they smiled. Days like this didn’t come often, so a smile was a silent thank you to whoever blessed them with the hopeful weather._

_You watched the square with a smile on your face, noticing the uplift in everyone’s spirits. A chicken walked aimlessly past the well that sat in the middle of the area, where your mother was gathering some water to bring back to your house. You giggled as she pulled the bucket from the well, accidentally sloshing some water onto the chicken’s back. It clucked, rushing past your mother and shaking its body to rid itself of water. But even in the chicken’s annoyance, it was probably happy as well. It was a nice day for everyone, no matter what happened._

You opened your eyes, almost shocked by the sight in front of you. Your memory hit you like whiplash as you stood in front of your now abandoned village, the darkness of night looming over you, almost as a threat. Even in the daytime you guessed that your village would feel dark and dim, now empty of the life you once witnessed it having.

You sighed, placing your hands on your knees as you kneeled in the same spot you once did as a child. Though you told yourself this could very well lead to nothing, the fact that it did make your heart shrink. At the very least, you thought you could ask the locals what happened to your mother — but there was no one here. Not a trace of anything, it seemed. It was a lost cause.

Footsteps crunched behind you, but you didn’t bother to turn. Next to you, Jaskier kneeled, placing a hand on your back with a sigh. He didn’t say anything for a bit — just watched the scene before you, waiting for you to speak.

To him, this place was just another abandoned village. You came across many of them before, stayed in some empty houses for a night despite the risk of them collapsing right then and there — but this…this was your home. It was the only home you considered _calling_ home, despite the many places you and Rauf stayed in. And now, it was ruined.

“How did you know this was your village?”

You shrugged at Jaskier’s question, “I just…knew.” You took a sharp breath in, “And I still have the memories.”

He nudged you gently. “Tell me about them.”

You blinked as he looked over at you, avoiding his gaze. You kept your eyes on the well whose roof was on the brink of falling over. “This area was always so…alive. Kids would run around barefoot with chickens chasing after them for stealing eggs.” 

You snorted, but your face stayed grim. “I thought they would still be here. Kids wandering, people doing their chores and…waiting to go home for supper.” You fought the tears that brimmed your eyes as you turned to Jaskier, whose face was as grim as yours. “What happened here?”

“I don’t know.” Jaskier took your hand in his own, bringing it to his lips for a soft kiss. “I don’t know what it was like before, but I can see it in your eyes. I can _feel_ it. The life. Even if it is just my imagination.”

He watched you a moment longer, squeezing your hand so you would focus on him once more. “Let’s look around. You never know what we might find.”

With a deep breath, you let Jaskier pull you up with him, though standing felt like a chore in itself. Your limbs were heavy as the two of you walked through the village, passing Geralt a couple times on the short walk. 

Your eyes scanned your surroundings, part of you not believing it was real. Though you left at a young age, the memories flooded you with every step, making what you were seeing so much worse. The houses that were now decrepit were once strong, with torches just by the front doors and someone sitting in a chair saying hello to their neighbors. The emptiness was shocking, and every time you felt it overwhelming you, you squeezed Jaskier’s hand. 

Despite your weariness, Jaskier led the two of you inside some of the buildings. It was strange, entering houses that you knew people had lived in before. It wouldn’t have been strange if you didn’t remember the village, but knowing your neighbors once lived in these places — laughed, breathed, slept, ate — you felt like an intruder. Maybe you _were_ one.

However long your village had been abandoned, it didn’t seem like stragglers found this place. If they did, they didn’t think it was worth it to stop and steal the leftover items. Some houses still had good blankets, leftover food (not that it was still _good_ ), forgotten coin. Others didn’t have the same luxury — they were ransacked, all essentials gone, leaving any useless items behind. That could only mean that the people from your village left in a hurry, or didn’t get the chance to leave at all.

The thought made you shiver, but maybe it was the cool air. The sky was almost completely dark by now, and the three of you met in the same square that you had been sitting in before. Geralt had a fire started already, acknowledging you and Jaskier with a grim nod as you sat across from him.

Jaskier was the first to speak, “I don’t understand.” No one responded. You were too busy staring at the embers that flew towards the sky, disappearing just as quickly as they appeared. Jaskier continued anyway, “What would make everyone just…up and leave?”

Geralt grunted. “Bandits?”

You took a sharp breath through your nose, eyes flicking to the ground in front of you. “That, or assassins.” You didn’t wait for a response to continue. “From his entries, I don’t think Rauf came back. But maybe his men did.”

The words settled in the silence of the night, making you shiver. Rauf lied about so much, you wouldn’t be surprised if he forgot to mention that his men tried to find your mother _for_ him. He wasn’t the type to forgive and forget, clearly. So why would he have truly let your mother live? He was too much of a coward to kill her himself, so he might as well have sent people to do his dirty work for him.

It’s not like it would be the first time.

Jaskier touched your arm gently, bringing you back to reality. “Your house — do you remember where it is?”

You shifted uncomfortably. “Of course,” you whispered. How could you forget? You directed Jaskier away from it purposefully, not wanting to face what might have happened there. So many times you had visited your home in your dreams, but nothing good ever came from it. You feared it would be too painful to see the state of your house, because then, the memories you had clutched onto so delicately might perish forever.

When Jaskier didn’t answer you, you croaked out a, “Why?”

It was Geralt who responded. “Whoever came here didn’t come to loot.”

You turned your gaze to Geralt, wondering what he was getting at. “What do you mean?” 

Jaskier spoke, “Some houses had stuff taken out of it, but others were left practically untouched.”

“Looters would never leave that much coin behind. Not unless they were blind.”

You blinked, letting their words swirl around your mind. You had noticed the same things, but the pieces hadn’t formed in your head. Perhaps your nostalgia was making your brain foggier than usual. You frowned at the information, working out the facts out loud.

“So the people who came here had a goal.” Your frown deepened. “It _must_ have been Rauf’s assassins.”

“Maybe. But still—“ Jaskier turned to you, thoughtfulness etched in his face, “If we check your house…well, what I’m trying to say is — if the _essentials_ are taken…maybe your mother got away.”

_Maybe she got away_. The thought made a spark ignite in your chest. As soon as it was there, you pushed it back. You didn’t want to be disappointed again, so you set your lips in a tight line.

“She could have left before the attack.”

Jaskier nodded, hope still surfacing his blue irises. “But if we check the house, you’ll be able to tell what stuff was hers, right? You’ll be able to know if she was living there when they…attacked.”

You pondered this, considering the man’s words. Though your memories were a bit scattered, you _could_ remember your home relatively clearly. With a deep breath in, you pushed yourself up from the ground beneath you.

“Let’s go.”

—

The house stood before you, though _stood_ was a strong word. The outside felt…off, definitely lower to the ground than it had been before. Still, it was too dark to truly tell, despite the makeshift torch Jaskier held. But it definitely wasn’t as you remembered it. It wasn’t nearly as comforting to see as it might have been in your memories.

“I can go in for you,” Jaskier said, his voice just above a whisper.

You shook your head, “No. I have to see this myself.”

You forced your feet to step forward, Jaskier just behind you. You blinked, noticing that the door to your old house wasn’t just open — it had been ripped off the hinges. 

You let out a breath and pushed aside any fear that lingered in your movements. Stalling wouldn’t help anybody.

But as soon as your feet past the threshold, it felt like you were transported. Despite the darkness outside, you remembered the mornings with your mother making you breakfast, when the sun had begun shining through the windows and leaving rays of light on the cracked floors. You remembered the hum of your mother’s voice, the scratchy fabric of your homemade clothes, the way the wood floor felt under your bare feet.

_“Come eat, Y/N.” You turned our head to the right, where your mother cut the bread she had just made onto the small table your father made not long ago._

_You rushed to the food — it wasn’t much, but you didn’t mind. You didn’t know what you were missing, or that this wasn’t the usual food everyone ate. Your mother had done a good job of hiding the fact that you were quite poor, trying to keep your innocence as long as possible._

_As you took small bites of your bread, you watched your mother walk out of the main room and into the room where the three of you slept — it was a small area, with no door, and only two beds. Your father and mother would squeeze into one of the twin sized beds, leaving you the other. But right now, your mother wasn’t going to lay down, she was going to get something. Something important._

You blinked in the darkness of the room, slightly overwhelmed by the memory.

“What are you thinking?” Jaskier’s voice nearly startled you, but you shrugged it off.

After the flash of your memory, you immediately felt a pit in your stomach. The main room was practically ripped to shreds — the table you used to eat at was cracked in half, drawers ripped from their places, items thrown on the floor, forgotten. 

You slammed your eyes closed, hoping some of your memories would help you. The state of your old homemade your stomach churn, but what Jaskier said before circled your mind. Just because it looked like a wreck didn’t mean she _was_ killed — it just meant the people who did this were sent to wreak havoc if she wasn’t. The only way to know if your mother got away was if there was something important, something _essential_ , that she needed to take with her.

The memory you recalled from before hit you again:

_“What’s that?” You said, swallowing the last of your breakfast. Your eyes were wide with curiosity as your mother sat at the table beside you; she cradled something in her palms, a somewhat serious expression on her face._

_“My sweet, sweet child. You know I love you very much, and I love our life more than anything.”_

_You nodded. Your mother was always a positive person, a charmer. It was no wonder so many people loved her._

_Even so, she was quite a lonely woman. A lot of her time was spent taking care of you while your father worked as much as possible. You loved it, having her company — still, she was a dreamer. She wanted more for the both of you, however she had to get it._

_She continued talking to you, but was mostly talking to herself.“I appreciate everything your father does for us…but someday, it might not be enough. And I fear that we may need to make a change, soon.” You didn’t interrupt her, eyes still trained on her closed palms. “This is a very important item. It was passed down from my mother to me, and is meant to be passed to you as well.”_

_You widened your eyes even more, captured by her statement. Wordlessly, she opened her palms, revealing the shiniest thing you had ever seen. It was a necklace with some sort of jewel at the center of it — even though you didn’t know exactly what it was, you knew it was probably worth a lot._

_“Your father doesn’t know about this. Because this gift is yours as much as it is mine, I want to ask your permission for something.” You blinked, surprised by your mother’s forwardness. You were only eight after all, so a decision being placed on your shoulders felt strange. Still, you listened to your mother like her words meant everything to you — because they did. “If we sell our necklace, we can start a new life. We can have our own shop, maybe even a small farm—“_

_You perked up, “And animals?”_

_Smiling, your mom nodded. “And animals.” She reached forward to rub a crumb off your cheek, her eyes full of love.“What do you say?”_

_You smiled, “Okay.”_

To you, the memory only lasted seconds. It was hazy at best, a jumble of expressions and feelings that didn't make all that much sense. But what you knew for sure was that your mother saw that piece of jewelry as the key to your future, and would never have left the house without it.

Without a word, you trudged past the wreckage and walked into the side room where you used to sleep. Your heart was thumping in your chest as you leaned down, hope falling in you as the hiding spot in the floorboards wasalready ripped open. Swallowing your fear, you reached your hand into the crevice, feeling around the space like your hand would burn if it touched anything other than the ground.

With a breathy laugh, you stood from your spot, turning back to Jaskier in the darkness.

You could see his confusion in the light of the torch. “What is it?”

You smiled slowly, hope rumbling in your chest. Never in your life had the _absence_ of something meant so much — but right now, finding a seemingly priceless jewel would have ruined your entire journey.

You nodded your head at Jaskier, rushing over to him and wrapping your arms around his neck. You pulled him towards you in a passionate kiss, feeling one of his hands find the small of your back.

When you pulled away, you kept your forehead to his, a smile finding it’s way on your face. “She got away.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :O let me know your thoughts!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The search continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey yall, hope you're doing well! Enjoy the chapter (if you want to, lol) :)

Your fingertips brushed the ground beneath you, letting your nails crust with the dirt that was dried under your feet. You always remembered this spot as being full of grass, sometimes so tall it reached your ankles — but now, the grass was dead. Dull. It was fitting, really, for the village that was now abandoned.

Still, being here in the lawn of your old home reminded you of the nights you and your father would lie down, grass under your toes, just looking at the sky above. It was so peaceful, but a bit daunting — you were always amazed by the vastness of the sky, by the possibilities that its space came with. Still, those would be the moments with your father that you carried with you, both with fondness and sadness. They haunted you in your dreams, but comforted you in your memories.

The faint memories of your father rose to your mind — in this early morning silence, you finally allowed yourself to think about the man you were told to hate. You never did truly hate him, despite what Rauf told you. Maybe part of you knew he was innocent all along — or maybe you just wanted him to be. But now that you knew your father had in fact been innocent, you felt yourself thinking about him more, as if a restriction had been lifted from your mind. And as you sat there in the lawn of your now broken down home, you closed your eyes, silently apologizing to the man you tried to hate for so many years.

You blinked your eyes open at the sound of Jaskier walking toward you, finally awake from a long night. You had woken up earlier than usual, mostly because you couldn’t sleep. Your mind was racing even after you realized your mother had gotten away. What did that mean for now? Could you really start hoping that you’d find her? Or would it lead to more dead ends?

Jaskier sat beside you on the dirt coated ground, grimacing at the fact that his pants would probably have stains. 

You put your head on his shoulder, letting your heavy eyes shut, just for a moment. Though you didn’t mind being alone, having him there made you feel comfortable. Recently, it always did. Before you met him, it was like you were missing something. No matter where you went, or who you were with, everything was bit off. And now that he was there, with you — you didn’t know what it was, but it was enough. Maybe even more than enough.

“What now?” You asked after a moment, not only to Jaskier, but to yourself.

“I don’t know, love.” He huffed, looking at the rising sun past the trees. “The only thing we can do is search anywhere we can, and hope to come across her.”

You nodded, determination in your gaze. “Then that’s what we’ll do.”

—

Saying goodbye to your village was easy. It wasn’t really even your village anymore — just another abandoned place stragglers could call home for the night. Your village was in your memories, and your home was with yourself. It was with the people you trusted, and that’s where it would always be.

Still, that was something you had to remind yourself of as the three of you ventured from village to village, both searching for your mother and for any jobs you could get (you were still pretty low on coin, and none of you wanted any incidents like the last). You weren’t fond of staying in one place for too long — though you were ready to prolong this journey if you had to, that didn’t mean you wanted to. Searching Velen was hard enough as it was, and you weren’t even sure if your mother would be there. The idea that she could be across the continent made your stomach practically seep through your ears, so you pushed it away. 

She had to be in Velen. She just _had_ to.

You were lucky to have Jaskier and Geralt with you. While sometimes you would swear on never traveling with them again, others you couldn’t imagine it without them. Geralt was sometimes as grumpy as you, but others he was the one holding the most hope. And Jaskier…well, he was Jaskier. Charming, funny, and a bit of a pain in the ass.

“My back feels like it could split in half right about now.”

You shook your head at the man beside you, leading the horses to the side of the path. “And how does your mouth feel?”

“Awful. When it’s not on yours.” 

You rolled your eyes, but heat rose to your skin when you noticed Geralt just nearby. You weren’t used to Jaskier saying — or doing — such things in front of people, and he had respected that. But even _he_ slipped up sometimes, and every time he did, it made your body buzz in a mix of excitement and embarrassment.

“We should get a job here, maybe stay the night.” Geralt said, his voice gruffer than usual.

Jaskier scoffed a laugh, “Oh, for once the witcher needs a break, hm?”

Geralt’s lips twitched. “We barely have coin left.”

“We, or just us?” Jaskier asked, his eyebrow arching in a challenge. 

Geralt stared back. “ _We_.”

“Oh.” Jaskier shut up then, a pout forming on his face.

You sighed. You didn’t want to stay the night; you were hoping you could at least check two other villages before the day ended. But no coin meant no food, and you all knew that wouldn’t do any good.

“Fine,” you said, petting Buttercup’s snout. “We’ll get the rooms if you find the job.”

Geralt nodded, ready to head off, but Jaskier stopped him. “Nuh-uh. The last few jobs Geralt has chosen have been — and I do not regret saying this — worse than a hag’s breath. Not to mention _boring_.” You and Geralt blinked at Jaskier, who scoffed at your dumbfounded expressions. “I mean, a _sheep herding_? Could you have chosen anything _worse_?”

You snorted. “It could’ve been another chicken search.”

Jaskier ignored you, wagging his finger at no one in particular. “We are going to find something that is exciting, adventurous — something that would make for a good song."

With that, Jaskier stalked off in search of the small village’s notice board, a new pep in his step at the idea of their next great job.

You and Geralt began walking down the path in search of the inn. After a few moments of silence, you spoke, “He’s right, Geralt. You have been choosing pretty mundane jobs. It’s no wonder we haven’t been paid any good coin.”

Geralt just barely nodded. “We don’t want to get into too much trouble if we are to continue our journey.”

You frowned at his words. You supposed he was right, but…then again — you smirked slowly, a teasing glint in your eye. “Are you worried about us?”

Geralt avoided your gaze. 

You snorted. “You think I can’t handle a couple of monsters?”

“Monsters are different than humans.”

Your face grew grim. “Just by the blade you use.”

Geralt quirked a brow, but didn’t say anything. Before he could, the unmistakable sound of Jaskier made both of you frown.

“Geralt!” 

You turned around, eyebrows raised at the bard who came running up to you, out of breath.

“What is it now, Jaskier?” Geralt sounded more than bored, but you yourself were intrigued.

Jaskier huffed as he tried to catch his breath. “I…got us…a job.” 

You snorted. “And does this job include you running around like a maniac?”

“That’s only part of it.” Jaskier swallowed his sarcasm thickly, finally able to speak somewhat coherently. “I was standing at the notice board, looking through the posts — they were all quite boring, to be honest. But anyway, I was standing there, minding my business, when this woman came running up to me. She was erratic. Begging me for help, saying…something about a daughter that was on her way to a monster’s nest. She gave me this as…a _deposit_ of sorts.” 

He held out a pouch, placing it in your hand. It was relatively full, which was good. But you were still a bit confused. So what if this girl was going to a monster nest?

You handed the coin pouch to Geralt, who was just as confused as you. “Okay. Did she give you directions?”

“Yes, of course. But there is one thing.” Jaskier swallowed again, taking in a sharp breath before adding, “The girl is young and inexperienced.”

Your eyes widened, narrowing at the man in front of you. “The _same girl_ that is going to a _monster’s nest_?”

Jaskier nodded, “Quite the same, yes.”

“ _Jaskier_.” Geralt grumbled, already making his way back to the horses.

You huffed, grabbing Jaskier’s hand in your own before following the witcher. “Why didn’t you _lead_ with that?” 

“Good point.” He said as you hopped up on Buttercup and helped Jaskier behind you. And without a second thought, you were off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooo ooo ooooo a slight sidestep from the main journey, but it'll be worth it ;)  
> Let me know your thoughts!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A young girl brings much more trouble than you bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one’s a bit late, I was up late playing among us when I should have been writing whoops lol

The wind whipped past your cheeks as you held onto Buttercup’s reigns. Jaskier shouted over the sound of hooves on the dirt paths, giving you directions to the monster nest. You would be lying if you said your heart wasn’t bursting out of your chest — even though you didn’t know anything about this kid, you didn’t want anything to happen to her. Your mind couldn’t help but think back to Lilla, the little girl the three of you had saved not long ago. With that thought, you held the reigns tighter, leaning forward in hopes that you would get there before the girl did.

“Shit.” You grunted, leaning back slightly and lessening the grip on the reigns. Just ahead, a horse was standing idly next to a beaten off path.

As you slid off Buttercup’s saddle, you grabbed one of the swords from the extra sheath attached to her side. Ever since training Jaskier, you had begun liking swords as your primary weapon; though knives would always be your favorite, they weren’t very practical when it came to fighting monsters. 

You watched Jaskier land with a soft thump on the ground, adrenaline rising in your system. “Did you get the girl’s name?”

Jaskier huffed beside you, nodding as Geralt finally caught up, “Theodora.”

You turned to Geralt as he unsheathed his silver sword and dismounted Roach. “Geralt, what’s the plan?”

His golden eyes met your own with a strong gaze, “Save the girl.”

“Good enough for me.” You nodded, ready to head off after the young girl. The sound of another sword being unsheathed made you stop in your tracks. When you turned to Jaskier, he was standing beside Buttercup, now holding the extra sword you kept in your sheaths. From behind you, Geralt was already getting a head start down the dirt path. 

With a huff, you walked back to Jaskier. “Jaskier, what are you doing?”

“I’m coming with you,” he said simply, inspecting the sword in his hand.

“Jaskier—“

His stern look took you aback. “There’s no time to argue. I’m coming.” 

You opened your mouth, but quickly slammed it shut. No matter what you would say, he was right. You had no authority over him, no matter how much you didn’t want him to get hurt. 

You looked at the sword in his hand, which was far more comfortable in his grip now compared to the first time you trained with him. Without another word, you turned back towards Geralt and followed him into the woods, pushing down the feeling in your gut that rose at the sight of Jaskier’s determined gaze.

The three of you made your way through the thick forest, you and Jaskier following behind Geralt as he used his witcher senses. It didn’t take long for you to veer off the path, heading deeper into the woods and looking for any sign of the girl.

Suddenly, Geralt stopped. “Up ahead. Endrega den.” He grunted, tilting his head towards what looked like a large rock. 

“Fucker!” The three of you whipped your heads toward each other, eyes widening at the curse that none of you uttered. Within a split second, you broke into a run.

Just behind the large rock — which you now realized was a small cave —, a young girl stood facing a creature you had never come across before. It was a large insect with scorpion-like features, including a spiky tail hung high over its head. 

The girl slashed forward, her sword making contact with the creature’s front. It jumped back, hissing as its claw-like feet moved it backward. 

You were about to rush forward when you noticed the absence of the bard beside you. You had to push aside the fear that rose in your throat, especially when the creatures’ hissing grew louder.

In a flash, the endrega swung its tail, the spikes poking out of the end almost making contact with the girl’s body. But just in time, a sword swung forward, slicing the tail end off in one blow. You blinked at the sight — Jaskier had managed to get to the opposite side of the creature without it knowing, saving the girl just in time. You breathed a laugh, pride seeping through you in your disbelief. 

The girl, on the other hand, didn’t seem so pleased. She glared at Jaskier as the creature in front of her writhed in pain, making a point of keeping her glare as she plunged the sword deep into its back.

Finally out of your stupor, you rushed over to the two, sending Jaskier a knowing, pride-filled glance before turning to the girl.

She looked from Jaskier, to Geralt, to you, with a deep frown. “Who the _fuck_ are you?”

You huffed, “The people who’re going to save your life.”

The girl scoffed, cracking her neck before readying her stance. 

You looked at her in disbelief. “What the fuck are you doing?”

She barely looked at you when she spoke, keeping her eyes on the cave in front of you. “Fighting these sons of bitches.”

You scoffed, “No, we are getting out of here _right now_.”

“Tell that to them.” You whipped your head to the side to see five more endregas scuttling towards you and out of the cave, their hisses sending a chill up your spine.

You cursed, putting yourself in front of the girl so she wouldn’t get hurt. You didn’t expect her to nudge you in the side, sending you a glare as she stepped out from behind you.

_This girl is something else_ , you thought, but now wasn’t the time to do anything but roll your eyes. With Jaskier behind you and Geralt behind the young girl, the four of you watched as the endregas circled you.

“Geralt, what’s the easiest way to kill these things?” You shouted over your shoulder as you eyed the solid looking backs of the creatures.

You barely heard him over your own heartbeat. “There isn’t one.”

And just like that, the fight began. The girl — Theodora — let out a raspy battle cry before jumping forward, her sword just missing the endrega’s head. You followed her actions, sending a heavy swing towards the endrega nearest to you; when the hit missed, you spun and brought the sword up, bringing it back down in a harsh blow to the endregas head. Unfortunately,your sword only hit the outer shell of the head — the creature hissed louder at you, and as you cringed at the sound, you knew you just made it angrier. 

Your eyes widened as its body twisted quickly, bringing its tail to almost make contact with your face. You dropped to the ground just in time and, using your new position, you jabbed your sword right through the creature's head. It made a final hiss before falling limp, giving you time to retrieve your sword from its head.

That was easier than you thought, but still hard enough to make your heart race. You huffed, sending a kick to the endregas side for good measure. Turning back around, you noticed the group had spread out quite a bit — Geralt was fighting off two endregas of his own, dodging as expertly as you’d imagine he would. Not far from him, Jaskier faced an endrega of his own; he brought his sword down, missing as the creature jumped out of the way. The endrega moved to swing its tail, but Jaskier stuck his sword out just in time to block it — unlike before, though, his sword was met with the strongest part of the tail. The momentum of the tail’s swing knocked the sword out of his hand, sending it flying in the other direction.

Jaskier’s eyes flashed in fear as his sword clattered to the ground. You were about to rush over to him when Theodora emerged at the same time, letting out another cry as she sliced the creature's tail just as Jaskier had done before. Using her swing’s momentum, she spun and lifted the sword, bringing it down into the creature’s back. 

You blinked as the endrega fell to the ground, leaving Jaskier and Theodora to stare at each other as they caught their breath. Without another second to waste, you ran over to Jaskier’s fallen sword and held it in your non-dominant hand, turning your attention to Geralt. While you knew he was completely capable of handling the creatures on his own, you also knew standing around would be useless. You clutched the two swords in your hands and ran to the witcher, silently noting the obvious difference in weight from your knives. 

Geralt caught your eye as you stood just behind the two endregas that hissed at him.

“Step back!” He yelled, and you did as he said, watching as he held a hand out and pushed it forward — to your surprise, a burst of fire flew through his hand and towards the endregas, causing them to hiss in pain. As they scuttled backward from Geralt, you twisted your swords so the tips were facing downward. When the endregas were practically right in front of you, you grunted, thrusting the swords straight down into the ground and through their backs.

After a moment of catching your breath, you stood from your position, grunting as you retrieved your swords from the endregas. You licked your dry lips as you wiped the blood soaked swords on you pants, barely listening to Jaskier as he clapped his hands beside you.

“That was…brilliant! I’ve never felt more exhilarated.” He took the sword you handed to him, making sure you caught his wink before saying, “Except when I’m with you, of course.”

You ignored the bard, nodding at Theodora as you sheathed your own sword. “You held your own.”

“Better than some.” She glared at Jaskier, who opened his mouth to argue. Before he could, she turned back to you. “Why are you here, anyway?”

Geralt answered for you, “Your mother sent us.”

“Of course she did.” The girl rolled her eyes, kicking the endrega body that lay near her. “She doesn’t trust me.” 

Jaskier frowned, “You ran off to a _monster den_ and you wonder why she doesn’t _trust_ you?”

Theodora said nothing, and instead pointedly lifted a single finger in Jaskier’s direction.

Jaskier scoffed, over dramatically rolling his eyes, “Kids.”

Now Theodora scoffed. “I’m not a kid!”

Jaskier gasped, feigning regret. “My bad.” He turned to you, clicking his tongue. “ _Teenagers_.”

“Jaskier.” Geralt spoke, his voice coming out as a warning. When you all turned to him, the slightest flash of amusement crossed his features. “Stop fighting with a child.”

Theodora’s fists clenched at her sides, walking up to Geralt with her most intimidating glare, “I’m not a child, you _ignorant oaf_!”

“Actually, he prefers witcher.”

Theodora turned back to Jaskier, her face getting more scrunched up by the second. “I’ll show you, you loudmouthed piece of—“

“Enough.” You boomed, your tone being enough to make everyone turn to you. After the fight with the endregas, and the childish banter afterward, no one else seemed to notice the sky darkening quicker by the second. You sighed, gesturing above. “We should make camp. It’s too dangerous to travel late.”

“Maybe for _you_.” Theodora huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

You ignored her, tilting your head towards the cave. “You think we can stay in there for the night?

Geralt sent you a stiff nod. “Looks like we cleared it out. It should be safe for tonight.”

“Great.” You gave him a single nod, taking a sharp breath in. “Let’s bring the horses here. You,” You got Theodora’s attention, “Guard the area until we get back.”

Jaskier went to argue, but you held up a hand to shut him up. As you turned around, you didn’t miss Theodora sticking her tongue out at him in a taunt, but you _did_ have to hide the smirk that grew on your lips when an annoyed Jaskier caught up beside you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know your thoughts!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past is not something you can truly escape from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello all! I’ve been a bit busy with school, so im going to try my absolute best to stay on schedule with these chapters. there are only a couple chapters left (gasp) but I just thought id put a warning here that I might be a day late posting etc. also, this is pretty much a filler/goofy chapter, but still I hope yall enjoy!

The fire crackled gently in the cave, its embers floating up until they disappeared in the darkness. The four of you sat around the fire, Theodora aimlessly throwing in stick after stick to keep it going. She was quiet now that you were all sitting in the nighttime, and you wondered what was going through her head. 

Your thoughts were interrupted by Jaskier’s low voice next to you. “I cannot be- _lieve_ this kid just willingly came to a monster’s nest.” 

You looked over at Theodora, making sure she couldn’t hear you. When she didn’t make any sort of comment, you leaned into Jaskier’s side to lowly whisper, “At least she’s safe.”

“Yeah, _after_ she threw herself into danger.”

You raised your eyebrows, slight amusement crossing your features. Jaskier pouted at the fire in front of you, his brows furrowed in irritation. “Why are you so on edge? She’s just a kid.”

He turned to you with a sigh, “Exactly.”

It was then that you realized Jaskier was, in the simplest terms, _worried_. Obviously, you all were — having to go find a kid at a monster’s nest wasn’t something you wanted to do every day, much less not knowing what you would find when you got there. Though Theodora was pretty well trained, she was still young. Digging a grave was hard enough, but a small grave was, well, _awful_.

This worry wasn’t unfamiliar with Jaskier — you remembered how he acted with Lilla, the little girl you all saved from bandits not long ago. Theodora was completely different, of course; where Lilla practically latched onto you and Jaskier, Theodora made sure to stay several feet away — and brandish her sword while doing it. Perhaps that was why he worried so much: people who held a strong exterior often were much weaker inside.

You huffed, pulling one of your knives out and tracing the edge delicately with your finger, “Kids do stupid things. I’d’ve done the same.”

Within a millisecond, Jaskier’s attention shifted, his worry turning to curiosity. “Oh, do _tell_.”

You shifted uncomfortably under his strong gaze. “What is there to tell?”

Jaskier’s guffaw had now gained the attention of both Geralt and Theodora. You glared at him for making a big show, but still, you smirked. He placed himself purposefully on the ground just slightly in front of you, his eyes sparkling despite the darkness.

“You cannot tell me as a trained killer and adventurer, you have no stories of rebellious youth.”

“You’re an _assassin_?” Theodora’s emphasis on the word ‘assassin’ threw you off.

You blinked, shaking off the feeling while straightening your posture. Pointedly ignoring Theodora’s question, you spoke, “Okay. What kind of story would you like to hear?”

“Something wreaking of blood, sweat, and action.” Jaskier waved his hand in the air. “So…a bedtime story for young Theodora will do.”

“That’s _Theo_ to you.” 

“Okay.” You took a deep breath in, ignoring the way Theo glared at Jaskier’s back while you searched your memories for a good story. You smiled when the perfect one came to mind. “I was around thirteen, I think. It was winter, so me and my uncle were staying in the city to try and scrounge up some work. We moved around a lot otherwise, but he wanted to make his mark on the guilds there.”

You shuddered at the memory, Rauf’s many dealings running through your mind. You quickly pushed them away, instead remembering someone else from your recent past. “My friend — Joneta, who I only saw once in a while — she was in the same city as us. Whenever we were together, it was inevitable that we’d get into trouble. Stealing, pranks, mixes of the sort. But nothing that I’d do now, of course.” You looked pointedly at Theo, who rolled her eyes.

“We were sitting around at one of the guilds, bored out of our minds. Joneta suddenly stood up, saying we should go to the notice board and find a small job, something that could get us enough coin for some stupid card at the market.”

Jaskier nodded, “Gwent. Classic.”

Theo glared at the bard, “Will you _shush_.” 

“Children, please. I’m telling a story.” You ignored the glares and closed your eyes, letting the memory overtake you. 

_Joneta’s grin was mischievous. Whenever she got that look — the look that always preceded the two of you getting in loads of trouble — a fluttery feeling rose in your chest. Even though you knew it meant no good, the chase for adrenaline and action always enticed you — especially in winter when you had nothing else to do._

_You squinted at the girl in front of you,“What kind of job will we take?”_

_“The little ones never give enough coin. We have to do something risky. Something dangerous.”_

_Your stomach did a flip. You knew if Rauf found out the two of you were going to do something stupid, he’d have your head. But you also knew that he would rather you be doing the said stupid thing safely._

_So, you nodded your head at Joneta, silently standing up and gesturing for her to follow you. Because if you were going to take a dangerous job, you would need the proper weapons to do it. And getting those weapons was a risk on its own._

“You stole weapons from the _guild_?” Jaskier asked, bringing you back to reality.

You shook your head, a small smirk forming on your lips. “I took them from Rauf.”

Theo scrunched her nose in confusion, “Who is Rauf?”

“The uncle.” Geralt added, his voice surprising you. You honestly hadn’t realized he had been listening, and listening so intently. His elbows were resting on his knees as he leaned forward slightly. He played it off by throwing another stick in the fire, but you knew his interest had been peaked.

Jaskier clicked his tongue from in front of you, drawing your attention back to him. “You’re telling me you stole weapons from your uncle to go take a job that could _very easily_ get you killed?”

“Yes, exactly that.” You tilted your head, “May I continue?”

“Please.”

“Thank you.” You cleared your throat, for once reveling in the attention the group was giving you. “Now, where was I…right. I stole Rauf’s knives.”

_It was a miracle that you made it out of the guild without getting caught. Rauf was in some sort of meeting, and no one seemed to pay mind to the two little kids scampering around unsupervised. You and Joneta even snuck past the gate’s guard while he talked to a fellow assassin. It was way too easy, and you knew that Joneta would want an even more dangerous job just because of that._

_The notice board of the city wasn’t far. By the time you got there, snow began to fall, leaving you and Joneta shivering in your spots. But still, you both searched the board for something good._

_“There!” Joneta pointed before snatching a flier off the board. “‘Drowner stuck in ice near the river. Hefty reward for its head.’”_

_“Sounds good to me,” you said, the adrenaline warming your frostbitten skin._

_The two of you ran through the streets towards the river, your determination making people jump out of the way. The area near the river was quiet, probably because of the rumored drowner nearby._

_You and Joneta stopped at the edge of the bridge, eyes searching the ice cold water._

_“We need to get a better look,” Joneta said, running over to the staircase that led to a platform closer to the water._

“I don’t like this.” Jaskier sighed, immediately being cut off by Theo’s groan.

“Then don’t _listen_.” She waved you on to continue despite Jaskier’s glare. You bit your lip, but continued on.

_As you and Joneta looked all around the bottom area, searching for the drowner, you began to feel uneasy. You frowned, watching the river flow smoothly in front of you. The notice had said the drowner was stuck in ice, but the river wasn’t iced over anymore. Your stomach churned at the realization, but before you could say anything, Joneta let out a scream._

_You turned around in an instant, seeing Joneta struggle against the drowner’s grip. It growled at her from the water, its hand clasped around her ankle. With little hesitation, you pulled out one of Rauf’s knives, getting ready to slice the drowner’s hand._

_Before you could, Joneta yelled,“No, we have to lead it out!”_

_“Are you crazy?” You breathed, your heart jumping in your throat._

_Joneta pulled gently on her own leg, trying to coax the drowner out of the water.“We have to_ kill _it!”_

_You scoffed at her, but realized that leaving the drowner here would only put other people in danger. You ran over to Joneta, grabbing under her armpits to pull her further from the water. The drowner kept its grip on her ankle, letting the two of you drag it onto the platform._

_As soon as it was out of the water, it pulled Joneta from your grasp, crawling on top of her with its slimy teeth bared. She kicked at its legs but it didn’t budge — quickly, you slid out from under her and grabbed at its shoulders, wincing at the cold skin as it fell to the side. You readjusted the knife in your hand, and with one swift jab, you stabbed the drowner square in the face._

_“Fuck.” You breathed, stepping away from the now-dead creature._

_Without a word, Joneta snatched the knife from your hand, bringing it to the drowner’s neck. She sliced into its cold skin, sawing back and forth with determination. You grimaced, watching as your friend beheaded the thing that just tried to kill her._

You looked at the group around you with a shrug. “And then we brought the head to the shop owner and got the reward. Plus a used Gwent card.”

“Bullshit.” Theo’s eyes narrowed at you, a mix of awe and disbelief hidden beneath them. “There’s no _way_ that actually happened.”

You snorted. “If only. My uncle had me clean out the local horse’s stables for a month because of it.”

The night was silent once more. You looked between each of your group — Theo, now frowning at the idea that your story was real, Geralt, who was stoic as always (but you could see he was amused, if not impressed) — and, Jaskier, who winked at you once you caught his eye.

He clapped his hands together, bringing the silence to an end. “Well. That was a lovely, _lovely_ story. Are you feeling sleepy now, Theo?”

“Fuck off.”

You smirked at the two, standing from your spot on the ground. “I’ll take first watch.” Leaving the sound of low bickering and a crackling fire, you walked to the edge of the cave, hand on the hilt of your sword. 

With a deep breath, you let yourself remember Rauf, even if you didn’t want to.

Your uncle _was furious when you got back to the guild. He stood in front of you, his brows creased in a frown, arms crossed over his chest._

_He had been staring at you for a while now. At this point, you wished he was yelling, maybe even giving you a whack on the head for what you did. But his eyes remained situated on you like they were frozen solid, forever indebted to giving you a disappointed glare._

_When he spoke, you nearly jumped from your seat. “How did you do?”_

_Now it was your turn to frown. You looked up at your uncle, eyes narrowed. He didn’t ask if you were okay, or why you did it — he asked you_ how _._

_You cleared your throat, feigning bravery under his glare.“I did well. Took the drowner down on my own.”_

_His brow was still creased when he nodded. And, just like that, he left the room without another word._

By the time the memory faded, you realized you were inspecting one of your own knives. Not long after that day, Rauf found a blacksmith to make you some of your own— the very ones you still held. 

You sighed, placing the knife back in your sheath. No matter what you did, you would never be rid of the man you called your uncle. He was everywhere you looked, even when you slept. All you could do now was try to be nothing like him. 

You leaned against the cave wall, looking up to the night sky where the stars shined brightly. You hoped, that after all of this, after all you’ve been through — you would find your mother. And soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know your thoughts!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A side job brings more than you could have imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two chapters left!! Imma miss this seriessss

The next morning, the four of you were off to return to the small village in Velen. The night was slow, taunting you as time moved at its painfully sluggish pace. You let your eyes rest on the path ahead of you, Jaskier’s arm wrapped securely around your waist. You heard his voice behind you, along with Theo’s, but your mind was elsewhere.

That was until Jaskier’s voice was particularly loud from behind you.

“You really think I will take lessons from a _child_?”

You turned your head, catching the look of annoyance on Theo’s face as she followed alongside Buttercup on her own horse. “I’m _grown_.”

Jaskier scoffed. “No one who’s grown actually has to prove it.” 

“Will you shut your mouth, old man?”

“ _Old man?_ ” Jaskier’s grip on your waist tightened, his teeth gritted as he tried speaking quietly, “Why do we always get stuck with children?”

“I told you, I’m not a child! I’m practically an adult.”

“ _Practically_ being the keyword.” He turned his face back towards you, speaking lowly into your ear. “At least _Lilla_ was _quiet_.” 

You snorted at the mention of the other little (or, _grown_ ) girl you had previously come across. It seemed you weren’t the only one making connections to your experience with Lilla and Theo, though Jaskier’s had more of a…spiteful reminiscing.

Though it certainly wasn’t amusing everyone (Jaskier was nearly steaming and Geralt was extremely quiet — even more so than usual), Theo and Jaskier’s interactions left a warm feeling in your chest. Maybe it distracted you from your own journey, from the hope you were losing every second.

Deciding to break the undoubtedly entertaining tension between the bard and girl, you cleared your throat. “So, Theo. Where’d you learn to fight?”

She ignored your gaze for a moment, letting her eyes settle on the road ahead. “My mom and I learned from the blacksmith in town. She said we needed to be ready for anything.”

You pursed your lips, keeping your eyes on the girl. “I thought you said she didn’t trust you?”

Theo rolled her eyes dramatically. “Just because I _know_ how to fight doesn’t mean she likes me to _do_ it.”

You pursed your lips, eyebrows raising in surprise. You knew you were very different from the girl — as a kid, you never would’ve have spoken as she did, but then again, you weren’t exactly _silent_. If Rauf had been like her mother, you wouldn’t have nearly the same amount of issues you did now. Fighting would be a choice, not a lifestyle. You wouldn’t have the guilt you did now — instead, you would probably have done just what Theo did: used your skills for _real_ good.

A wave of newfound respect for the girl washed over you as you watched her atop her horse. With a sigh you nodded your head, turning away from her. “She seems like a good mom.”

Theo took a second before responding, her voice lower than usual. “She is.” 

The sound of hooves took over once again, everyone seemingly lost in their own thoughts. You tried to keep your mind away from your mother, for now. Instead, you focused on Jaskier’s fingers tapping on your waist, the rhythm calming you as his music usually did.

Geralt’s gruff voice took you out of your trance, now riding alongside Theo’s horse. “Where did you get your sword from?”

“It’s a hand me down.” She didn’t bother giving any more information, and Geralt didn’t press her. Instead, she gripped her horses’ reigns tighter. “My village is just up here. Mom’ll probably have the reward waiting.”

Before you could respond, she was riding ahead, face firm in determination. You followed close behind, watching as the village came slowly into view. Not much had changed since you were last here, though it was only a day. 

Theo slowed down as the four of you entered the village, ignoring the eyes that followed you as you passed. Your eyes settled on the back of Theo’s head, wondering what she was thinking. It was as if all of a sudden she had gone really quiet, which, from the time you had spent with her, seemed _very_ unlike her. 

Instead of saying anything, you followed close behind, and soon, the three of you were led you to what looked to be a small shop — one you hadn’t seen the other day. Theo slid off her horse, taking her time tying it to the post in front of the shop. You did the same, keeping your gaze on the girl beside you. She was avoiding anyone’s gaze, tying her third knot by the time Jaskier slid to the ground next to you.

He placed a hand on your back, face scrunched in slight annoyance. “What are we waiting for?”

Theo looked up, finally leaving her fourth knot alone. She looked up from you to Jaskier to Geralt, her eyes shifting so she didn’t keep anyone’s gaze too long.

You spoke, finally getting her attention. “I’m sure she won’t be mad.”

“I’m not worried about that.” Theo snapped, making you raise a brown in response. She rolled her eyes, avoiding your gaze once more. “She always gets…uptight about this stuff.

“Can’t imagine why.” Jaskier scoffed, but let out a small ‘oof’ when you elbowed him in the stomach.

“We’ll be right with you. To back you up.”

Theo bit her lip. She looked at you for a moment, and you couldn’t tell what flashed in her eyes — worry, annoyance, or respect. They were very different emotions, but reading Theo was almost as hard as reading Geralt; only with Theo, her emotions were close to to your own.

After another second of idle waiting, Theo huffed and practically marched her way towards the front of the shop. The three of you followed close behind, getting ready for the Mama Bear that was about to attack. But when you stepped foot in that tiny little shop, your mind only on helping Theo, you weren’t expecting what was there in front of you. 

The breath was completely knocked out of you at the sight of the woman at the counter. Her eyes widened once you walked in the shop, immediately falling on the young girl in front of you. She gasped, rushing out from behind the counter to collapse into the girl with a hug. Your mouth was slightly ajar, heart beating faster than anything you ever felt. Because the woman standing in front of you, hugging Theo with a grip unlike anything you’d ever seen — that woman was your mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHH LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS!!!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reverting to your old ways never brings peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay I lied about there being two chapters left, now there are ACTUALLY two chapters left lol (well, one and an epilogue). it's seriously going to be so weird not writing this y/n x jaskier story ahhhh okay im just not gonna think about it lol
> 
> enjoy!

Your heart was stuck in your throat as your mother pulled away from Theo. Her daughter. _Your mother’s_ daughter. Her other child.

“Oh, thank the gods.” She said, patting down Theo’s hair where she had just kissed it. Your stomach dropped — that used to be you. The child in your mother’s grasp _used to be you_. Now, it was Theo. Your… _sister_?

“Sorry, Mom.” Theo’s voice was sheepish, strained. It wasn’t like you had ever heard her — not the usual condescending or sarcastic tone she carried. But you supposed everyone acted differently around their mothers.

Theo’s mother — _your_ mother — clicked her tongue. “If you _ever_ do that again…"

The first words you spoke weren’t the ones you expected. “Theo did well. She’s a fighter.” 

Your mother’s eyes cast over you, absent of any flicker of recognition. “That’s what I’m worried about.” She smiled at you, but in a polite way. Your stomach churned as she reached into the front of her apron. “Well, here. Your reward.”

She stepped toward you, her relief-filled smile not the one you were hoping for. You stared at her for a moment too long, making her frown. After clearing your throat, you shook your head. 

“We can’t take that,” you said, almost surprising yourself. 

Your mother frowned, pushing the pouch out again. “You _must_. You helped my daughter. I can’t let that go unrewarded.”

You blinked, taking a sharp breath in. Part of you felt distant from the conversation as if you were watching it from the outside, like a memory, or a dream — or a nightmare. 

Again, you cleared your throat, trying with every muscle in your body to keep your composure. “Your daughter didn’t need any of our help, ma’am. Like I said, she’s a fighter.”

Your mother tilted her head, a pleased smile finding its way on her face before she nodded, “I appreciate that.” She looked at you a second longer before turning around, shoving the pouch back in her apron as she made her way behind the counter. It was then that you noticed this wasn’t any shop — it was a bakery. As your stomach churned once more, your mother spoke, “Here. At least take some food with you. I can only imagine how hungry you must be.”

This time, you let Geralt step forward, his eyes casting over you for a moment before taking the loaf of bread from your mother’s hands. Jaskier thanked her gently, nodding to her and Theo and taking your arm in his hand. You kept your eyes locked on her, only moving them when Jaskier led you out the door.

As soon as the fresh air hit your face, you felt like maybe you could finally breathe. That feeling wasn’t enough; you blinked at the brightness around you, taking very shallow breaths as Jaskier led you further away from your mother’s shop.

Geralt walked ahead, grunting about meeting you and Jaskier at the inn. His eyes stopped on you before leaving, but you were too focused on the harshness of your breaths.

Jaskier stopped in front of you, his eyes flitting over your face. “Are you alright? You look like you’ve seen a wraith.” You flicked your eyes to him, and as if he were a mind reader, his jaw dropped. “No— that’s not—“

You cut him off, casting your eyes on the ground, “My mother. Yes. That’s her.”

Jaskier stuttered, his head shaking in confusion, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Julian—“ You looked at him, your eyes full of regret. “I can’t.”

“What? Why not?”

“I can’t…I just _can’t_. I can’t face her, I can’t—“

“Alright, hey — hey, it’s okay.” You let him engulf you in his arms, his comforting scent filling the space around you.

“She has another kid,” you mumbled into his chest, eyes still open despite their sudden heaviness.

Jaskier sighed, his chin resting on your head. “She does.”

—

“How do you feel today?”

You turned your head from the window, letting your eyes rest on Jaskier. He must’ve been standing there for a while without you noticing, as he was now leaning against one of the chairs in your shared room.

In response to his question, you shrugged.

It had been nearly two days since you came back with Theo — two days since you found your mother. In two days, you could have caught up with her, cried with her, told her the countless stories you had under your belt. Instead, you were cooped up in your room at the local inn, barely saying a word to anyone. You were thinking, quite a lot, about how you were going to build up the courage to reveal your identity. 

Jaskier sighed, looking to the quarter loaf of bread left idle on the table. “You haven’t eaten?”

You turned back to the window, silently shaking your head. You didn’t even have to answer him — your _mother_ baked that bread, and one taste would have you…well, you didn’t know what you would do. You didn’t want to find out.

“Love,” Jaskier said, his voice gentle as he walked up behind you, placing a hand on your waist. “You have to talk to her. We won’t leave here until you do.”

You frowned, eyes still focusing on nothing in particular.

Jaskier continued, “I can go with you. We can talk to her together if you want.” At your silence, he kissed your shoulder, “I’ll be around. Let me know if you need me.”

You didn’t watch as he left.

—

It was the early afternoon when you found yourself standing in front of your mother’s shop. Eyes trained on the shop door, you frowned. You had just gone out for a walk to try and clear your head from its constant whirring, but you ended up here. It wasn’t exactly a helpful place to stop — in fact, it was the exact opposite. Maybe your brain was trying to subconsciously force you to talk with your mother, to just get it over with. And maybe you should have.

Standing in front of the shop doors, you thought of what was happening inside. Your mother — her hair now greyed but still just as luscious as you remembered it — setting up the pastries of the day, finally owning the shop she had always dreamed about. Her favorite recipes now perfected, welcoming regulars into the shop doors every day. Someone helps her man the counter on especially busy days, sometimes even helping her bake — except, that person, that _child_ helping your mother — it’s not you. It’s Theo. _Theo_ is the one with your mother. _Theo_ is the one who _has_ been with your mother for the past sixteen or so years.

You feel yourself step back from the shop, a frown forming on your face. While your mother and her daughter have been living in Velen, working in their small shop — you were a trained killer. You killed countless innocent people, sliced dozens of throats, stabbed even more hearts. The blood on your hands, the guilt on your back…how could you ever think your mother would want to know you again? You weren’t the child she left behind. You were no different than Rauf, no different than those endregas you slashed through the other day. 

You were a cold-blooded killer. An assassin. A _monster_.

Your breath was shaky as you walked backward away from the shop. You didn’t belong here, or anywhere of the sort. You belonged in a battle, in the way of a dozen blades. You were meant to kill — _built_ to kill — so that was what you would do.

Your feet stomped their way over to the nearest notice board. No thoughts echoed in your mind as you searched the loose parchments, eyes searching for anything to get your hands dirty. They landed on big letters — BANDITS. You skimmed the page, the location being the only thing you needed. Without thinking, you unsheathed one of the knives from your boot and stabbed it into the notice board, on the very job you were about to fulfill. You would get your knife back when you were done, and only then. You didn’t even care for the money — you just wanted to do what you were meant to do.

Kill.

—

The ride to the bandit’s hideout was nothing for you and Buttercup. You practically hopped off her back, barely stopping long enough to tie her to a nearby tree. Without an ounce of hesitation, you slid your sword from its sheath and made your way down the narrow pathway and into the depths of the forest.

It was just barely getting dark, the sunset casting a warm glow over the horizon. You thought of Jaskier for a moment, but just a moment, as you shook the thought away immediately. He was another person who you didn’t deserve, not after all you’ve done. It didn’t matter if you loved him, or if he loved you — love wasn’t enough. It never was.

You didn’t even bother sneaking down the pathway — leaves crunched under your feet, your sword held tightly in your hands. The sound of laughter echoed in the forest just as you caught sight of smoke from a fire. You grit your teeth, eyes narrowing as you walked faster towards the sound of the bandits. 

They had no clue what was about to happen to them, and that made you shiver.

As you neared the small camp, you counted the heads you could see: five. Your shoulders nearly dropped from disappointment. You wanted a _real_ challenge. 

_Better than nothing_ , you thought as you rolled your neck in a circle, stretching your muscles casually as one of the bandits finally noticed you.

“Hey! Who the fuck are you?”

You smiled as the bandits stood from their tree stumps, grabbing their weapons and immediately pointing them towards you. 

Swinging your sword in your hand, you looked one of them in the eyes, “I’m your worst fucking nightmare.”

Without waiting for a response, you let out a battle cry, charging the nearest bandit with your sword held high. He blocked your sword with his mace, pushing it so you stumbled backward. One of the other bandits jumped towards you in your state, slicing into the side of your stomach. You grit your teeth, glaring at the man who just cut you.

“You’ll regret that,” you said, and immediately lunged your sword into his leg. He screamed as you removed your sword; you quickly brought it up again and sliced it into his stomach this time. He fell to the ground, his screams fueling your adrenaline as you looked up at the rest of the bandits. They seemed to be in shock for a moment before their wide-open mouths became gritted in anger.

“Get the fucker!” One yelled, making three of the others rush towards you. You immediately dropped down, causing all of them to tumble over your body. While they were on the ground, you unsheathed a knife, throwing it towards the bandit on the opposite side of the fire. The knife lodged right into his throat, blood immediately squirting out from the wound. 

By then, the other three bandits had gotten up, one of them slamming you in the back with a bludgeon. You yelled out, hands catching your body on the ground beneath you. You felt another blow, this time knocking the breath out of you and forcing your face down into the dirt.

“I’m gonna enjoy this one,” one of them sneered as he dragged his bludgeon on the ground. You cursed, just now realizing your sword was no longer in your hand. “Looking for this?” The sneering bandit asked, holding your sword up tauntingly.

You looked up, bringing your own face into a sneer. Within a second, you unsheathed another knife and reached up to stab the bandit in the gut: once, twice, three times before one of the others grabbed the back of your collar and threw you in the opposite direction.

You coughed after you hit the ground, trying to use one of your arms to lift yourself up. Before you could, the bandit with the mace kicked you in the stomach — _hard_. You blinked through the pain, a satisfied smile filling your features at the sight of the sneering bandit writhing in pain on the ground.

“You think this is funny?” The mace bandit kicked you again in the stomach, then placed his foot on your wrist. You yelled in pain as he reached down and took your knife, throwing it into the growing darkness. “What are you gonna do now, huh?”

For a moment, you just blinked. In hindsight, you were pretty much screwed. Only one knife left, your sword a few feet away. But instead of panicking, you laughed.

“What the _fuck_ are you laughing at?” The other live bandit said, who was now standing up from the dead sneering bandit’s body.

“This.” You spoke, before clamping your teeth down on the mace bandit’s ankle.

He screamed out, immediately trying to slam your side with his mace. Before he could, you rolled out of the way, sitting up just as his mace made contact with the ground. In one swift movement, you grabbed his wrist and kicked it with as much force as you could. The mace fell to the ground as he cradled his now broken wrist, giving you the perfect opportunity to pick it up and slam it into the side of his head. 

You didn’t bother trying to take the mace out of the bandit’s head — instead, you stood up slowly, keeping eye contact with the last bandit. He shook in his spot, holding his small sword towards you, gulping as you walked over to him. His eyes widened as you grabbed his wrist, sliding the sword from his grasp. For a second, the fear in his eyes made you stop. But then, you shook the feeling in the pit of your stomach away, throwing his sword to the side and bringing your knee up straight into his groin. He fell to his knees in front of you, a groan escaping his lips. As he struggled in his spot, you stepped behind him, giving him a moment to catch his breath. Then, after a second of contemplation, you unsheathed the last knife from your boot and grabbed the last bandit’s chin, lifting it up so you could slide your knife across his neck.

His choked breaths echoed in the growing darkness, the sound making you wince. For the first time in a while, you thought of your old friend.

The memories flooded you like the blood that spilled from the bandit’s throat — for a moment, instead of a nasty bandit, you saw Joneta. You saw her confused eyes after you slit her throat, the blood coating your hands as you tried to seal the wound.

“I told you to stop.” You said, falling to your knees, eyes brimming with tears as you relived the memory. Joneta looked back at you, her eyes glazing over just as they had not long ago.

As you blinked through the tears, Joneta's face turned back into that of the bandit. You slumped the bandit’s body to the side, a sob escaping your throat. Your hands were covered in blood, as they were that day — as they were so many other days, from so many other people. You hadn’t just killed a dear friend, you hadn’t just killed the only family you really knew — you killed _so many people_. So many _innocents_. How many more? How many more were you going to kill? How could you ever be the person you wanted to be — how could you be with Jaskier, a charismatic, friendly bard? How could you be with someone not as evil as you? As _monstrous_ as you?

Your eyes welled with tears as you stared down at the blood coating your skin, your mouth wide open as you tried to breathe. Instead, loud sobs escaped your throat, seemingly echoing in the darkness falling over you. 

You couldn’t move. You couldn’t breathe. So you sat there, in the middle of the bandit’s camp, their bodies littered around you to remind you of all the death you were the cause of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :(((( let me know your thoughts!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love always conquers fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters left!!! I love writing this series omg this is so sad :,(   
> also im actually really proud of this chapter so lemme know what you thought!!

The darkness fell over the small town in Velen gradually as Jaskier ventured the wide paths. He hummed to himself with a slight pep in his step, nodding to any folks who ventured out of their homes at this time of night. Holding tightly onto the fresh meal he gotten from a nearby shop, he made his way into the fairly small inn, greeting the innkeeper despite her grumpy stature. 

Jaskier continued on, the smile on his face never faltering. He was trying, as best he could, to stay positive. He always did, always _tried_ , but he found it especially important now. You needed positivity and someone to back you up. You needed someone to keep you as strong as you normally were — someone to hold you up when you couldn’t hold yourself.

Jaskier knew you were strong. Of _course_ he did. It was one of the many things he loved about you. Even then, he knew everyone had their weaknesses. Everyone was a little bit stubborn _about_ those weaknesses — you especially so. 

So Jaskier did what he could. He wanted you to know you weren’t alone, and that you could get through this. You _would_ get through this. As always.

He was thinking of you as he walked down the hallway, the fresh dinner he got for you in his hands. He was thinking of you as he used his key to open the door, and he was thinking of you when he opened it and you weren’t there.

Jaskier frowned. You had been here for the past couple of days, standing at the same window with that frown sewn onto your face. And now you were gone. 

At first, Jaskier felt relieved. Maybe you had finally gone to confront your mother, as you had always set out to do. Maybe you realized that your mother would welcome you with open arms, that she wouldn’t push you away like you feared she would.

After a moment, though, Jaskier faltered. Something felt off. You were independent, sure — but something inside Jaskier told him you wouldn’t leave without telling him. If anything, he would be the first person you told about finally confronting your mother.

Leaving the fresh meal on the table of your shared room, Jaskier made his way to the witcher’s room just down the hall.

He shoved the extra key Geralt left him in the lock, swinging it open with no hesitation.

Geralt was sitting at his table, sharpening his steel sword. 

“Do you knock?”

Jaskier ignored him, concern beginning to show on his face. “Have you seen Y/N?”

Geralt hesitated, blinking at the bard in front of him. “No.”

“Hm.” Jaskier closed the door almost as quickly as it was opened, leaving a confused Geralt with nothing but silence.

Jaskier’s stomach turned. He stood outside of Geralt’s room, keys in his hand. Something was off. Something was _definitely_ off.

Within an instant, the bard made his way back down the hallway and out the front door of the inn, this time ignoring the grumpy innkeeper as much as she ignored him. He walked out into the darkness, not feeling nearly as peppy as he did before. The cold air made him shiver as stood outside, his head swiveling to look around.

His eyes fell on Roach, who was dozing off in front of the post he was attached to — but Jaskier’s eyes widened at the absence of another.

“Where did you go?” He asked no one in particular. He wasn’t even sure if he meant you, or Buttercup, or both — but now that he knew Buttercup was gone, his uneasiness turned to panic.

Jaskier began rushing through the village. He didn’t know what he was looking for; it wasn’t terribly late, but not many people walked the streets. Jaskier knew that if you took Buttercup you wouldn’t be in the village — still, he told himself he was looking for clues, for some reason why you would leave. It would be helpless for him and Geralt to go riding around without a clue where they were going, so instead of completely panicking, he tried to think logically.

You wouldn’t just up and leave without a place to be. You certainly wouldn’t go back to talk to Arnet, who Jaskier could tell made your blood boil. You had already found your mother anyway, so visiting Arnet was useless. And there was nowhere else you could go that would be connected to your mother, since your mother was already here.

Jaskier stopped next to a torch, his face falling into a frown. You weren’t scared easily, but perhaps confrontation wasn’t easy for you. The last time you confronted someone, Jaskier had gotten himself stabbed. In your perspective, any time you tried to do something for yourself, it got someone hurt.

Jaskier sighed, mentally kicking himself. No wonder you were so afraid of speaking with your mother. You were strong, you were brave, but that didn’t mean you weren’t afraid. Your past was unforgiving, so why would your mother be?

Of course, Jaskier knew that wasn’t true. Anyone would be lucky to know you, to love you. He knew he was. But now he understood the way you were probably thinking — and that made his heart fall, just at the thought of you being alone, dealing with all of these thoughts right now.

He had to find you, and soon.

Jaskier kept going, this time letting mind guide him rather than his feet. If he were you, he would want to be distracted. He would want to use his fear and channel it into anger. So, he went towards the village notice board.

He was surprised to get there and see a familiar face.

“What are you doing here?” It came out harsher than he intended, but Theo just rolled her eyes.

“This is _my_ village. What are _you_ doing here?”

Her sarcasm barely phased Jaskier — instead, his eyes fell on something in her hands.

It was a knife. _Your_ knife.

“Where did you get that?”

Theo rolled her eyes again, this time turning to Jaskier. In the darkness, she could see how white his face had gotten — he was scared. Instead of teasing, she shrugged.

“I found it on the board. Right there.” Theo pointed with your knife, and Jaskier walked up to the board. Sure enough, right in the middle of one of the notices, there was a stab mark. Jaskier ripped the parchment from the board, his eyes searching the page with his jaw slack.

“What have you gotten yourself into?” He spoke, not realizing he said it out loud.

“What’s going on? This knife is your friend’s, right?”

Jaskier blinked, almost forgetting Theo was there. The normal condescending tone she had was gone, replaced by actual…worry. He looked down at the girl, who suddenly looked a lot more mature than before.

He shook the thought away, focusing on Theo once more. “Y/N. You remember Y/N?”

“How could I forget an ex-assassin?” She joked, but when Jaskier didn’t respond, her smirk fell. “Is Y/N in trouble?”

“Not exactly.” 

Jaskier stared at the space above Theo’s head, his mind racing. You definitely weren’t in trouble the way Theo thought you were. The post mentioned bandits, and though he was still worried, he knew you would be able to fight your way out of it. Still, he was more concerned about how you were _mentally_ — stubborn, sure, but you were never the nicest to yourself. 

With a slight nod, Jaskier settled his eyes back on Theo. “I need your horse.”

“ _What_?”

“We need to find Y/N, and soon. So I need your horse.”

“What about that other dude with the horse? The bulky one?”

She had a point. Jaskier could get Geralt to help him, which would probably be easier. But that meant he would have to go back to the inn, brief Geralt on what he knew (including the fact that your mother was also Theo’s mother — which was enough to explain on its own), and beg him to ride on Roach. It would only take more time.

Jaskier rolled his eyes this time, waving his hands dramatically. “Do you want to help me or not?”

Theo opened and closed her mouth, for once at a loss for words. Finally, she rolled her eyes and mumbled, “My mom is going to kill me.”

—

Jaskier held tightly onto the horse below him, squinting in the increasingly dark night. Theo sat in front of him, leaning forward on her horse (that she wouldn’t tell him the name of, _or_ let him ride). Despite him letting her take control of the horse — him knowing that she was too stubborn to let him do _anything_ of the sort — Jaskier yelled to her almost constantly, asking where they were going and if they were any closer than they were two seconds ago. If Theo was annoyed, she didn’t show it. She simply didn’t respond to him, or responded by commanding the horse to go faster.

While the two traveled through the darkness, Jaskier suddenly became quiet. Instead of bothering Theo with his incessant questions, he studied the back of her head — this girl, the one he had practically just met…she was your sister. And now that he knew it, he couldn’t believe he didn’t see it before. You were raised under very different circumstances, sure. But even in the slightest ways — the scrunch of her nose, the stubborn nature, the mocking tones; it was like you two had grown up under the same roof. Jaskier reckoned that once you talked to your mother, the three of you would get along very, very well.

And could he see himself in that group? He hadn’t seen his own family in quite some time, not since he went off to follow his dreams of being a bard. And since then, since gaining some sort of a name and, more recently, meeting you — well, to him, you were all the family he needed. He loved his folks, but having love through blood was never the same as meeting a stranger and _learning_ to love them. Especially when that stranger originally tried to kill you.

“It’s right down here!” Theo yelled, making Jaskier blink at the back of her head. His heart thumped in his chest even more-so than before. He knew you were fine. You had to be. But still, he thought the worst.

Theo didn’t bother stopping the horse, instead slowing down slightly when she made it into the narrow pathway. Squinting, Jaskier noticed what looked like a small source of light — a fire. It was dying down now, but it was certainly there.

Theo saw it too, whispering for her horse to gallop in that direction. Jaskier kept his eyes open, so much so that they began to water. He finally blinked when he noticed the first body.

Even in the darkness, it was a gruesome sight. Jaskier could tell there were pools of blood covering the dirt area, surrounding bodies that have been dead for quite some time. He tried counting them: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Five bandits. Well, five _dead_ bandits.

And then there you were, in the middle of it all. You were hunched over, staring at your hands in the small illumination from the fire. Theo’s horse pulled to a stop, allowing Jaskier to slide from its back. He gave Theo a silent look, one that told her to stay where she was. In some part of him, he wished he could stay there too. He wasn’t scared of you, no, he was…well, he didn’t want to see you like this. So…broken. It had happened before, with Joneta. The way you were silent for so long, how your eyes glazed over. The blood coating your skin — perhaps that’s what you were thinking of as well. Perhaps that made it so, so much worse for you.

Finally, Jaskier walked closer. “Y/N?” He asked, not really expecting an answer. Instead, as he kneeled down in front of you, he heard your near-silent sobs. It didn’t sound like you were hiding them, but rather you had been sobbing for so long that your voice was hoarse. “Oh, love.” 

Jaskier hugged you with every ounce of love he had, every ounce that he could possibly give, not even caring that you were stiff in his arms. He could feel you trembling, feel you sob into his chest, this time a little louder. You were in a trance, it seemed, until he got there. You were stuck in your past, and Jaskier was your present. He was your future.

Jaskier pulled away, taking your face in his hands. His eyes searched it, studied it, while trying to wipe away at some of the dried blood. “Are you hurt?”

“You should leave.”

Jaskier faltered, but quickly recovered. “And why would I do that?”

You took a moment to speak, lips trembling. “Leave.” 

Jaskier winced at the crack in your voice, at the fresh tear that rolled down your cheek and washed some blood with it. He could tell you wanted to say more, or that you didn’t want to say anything at all.

Jaskier kept your face in his hands, his eyes locked on yours, “I am never going to leave you. Ever. Not until I choke on my last dying breath — and even then, I will damn any god who wants to take me away from you.”

For a moment, you just stared at him. His eyes, so tender as they gazed into your own. A face you had grown to love, so, so much.

Jaskier waited, not daring to take his gaze from yours. And in that time, he watched you frown, and close your eyes, and take a sharp breath in.

“What if she doesn’t want me?”

Jaskier blinked, a frown forming on his face as he looked at your own. He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it. Once he found the right words, he lifted your head again, making you open your eyes.

Softly, he spoke. “If she doesn’t want you, she doesn’t deserve you, love.”

Again, you blinked at him. Jaskier didn’t falter, didn’t look away. And because of that, you gripped the hands that were on your face and kissed him. Jaskier was surprised, to say the least. He could taste your tears on his lips, your desperation. But most importantly, he felt your utter and absolute _love_. Your devotion. And as you pressed yourself into him, not caring about Theo waiting on her horse, or the bodies around you, not caring about your fears or hatred or past — Jaskier swore his heart grew twelve sizes bigger. You, who never liked to show your affections in front of people. You, who didn’t like being vulnerable, who even behind closed doors still hesitated before giving him a kiss — you fully welcomed Jaskier here, fully opened up to him. You had trusted him before, even wholeheartedly — but this was… _different_. 

Jaskier knew he was completely taken by you. _Completely_ yours. And he was more than happy to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH AHHH AHHHHHHH LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS!!!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confrontation is never easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope yall enjoyed this series as much as I did :,) one chapter/epilogue left!

The local tavern was the smallest you had ever seen. There were only about four tables, one of them being occupied by you, Jaskier, and Geralt. The owner of the tavern, who was much nicer than you’d expected (she gave you free drinks just because you were there before noon), sat behind the bar cleaning cups that were already practically sparkling in the little light that came into the building. Even in the small size of the tavern, there seemed to be enough room for a little performance area, which Jaskier had been eyeing since the three of you got there. But with all this, the small building seemed so large to you. Or, _you_ felt really _small_.

Geralt placed his cup down, wincing at the taste of the drink — though you all thanked the tavern owner kindly, the free drinks were nothing short of awful. Either way, you all drank them down — mostly because you didn’t know what else to do. Jaskier was too busy looking around the room, then back to you; Geralt was less subtle, staring you down like you were about to run off again; and you, trying to slow the rapid beating of your heart, stared down at the table in front of you.

It was only the other night that you went off to kill the group of bandits. You closed your eyes at the memory, halting the shaking of your leg to let out a deep breath. Even sitting still in the tavern, your body ached. You won that battle, physically and mentally — but every battle created its scars.

Geralt’s voice jolted you out of your thoughts. “What time did she say?”

Jaskier looked over at you, then back to Geralt. “She didn’t give one. Just said it would be earlier.”

Geralt nodded, his eyes falling on you once more. “I’ll leave you here, then. I have a sword with the local blacksmith.” You nodded, partly grateful that he wouldn’t be watching you with his narrow eyes. Before he left, he looked at you once more. “Good luck.”

You nodded to him and watched him leave the small tavern, making it even bigger in your eyes. Jaskier seemed to notice your eyes grow wider, because he placed his hand on top of yours.

“Are you ready?”

“No.” You answered immediately, but you put your other hand over his. Even though you were freaking out on the inside (and out), you wanted him to know that you appreciated him being there for you, again and again.

Jaskier smiled, so you did too.

Still, the sound of the tavern door opening made your face fall immediately. Never in your life had that sound made you so devastated, made your stomach twist in ways it never had before.

You whipped your head to the door, eyes meeting Theo’s as she peered into the tavern. Her eyes met yours, lighting up as soon as she saw you. She smiled and sent you a thumbs up, turning to Jaskier and jutting her head to the opposite side of the tavern.

Your stomach flipped as Jaskier patted your hand, placing a swift kiss on your cheek before whispering, “You got this.”

You blinked, barely even listening to him. Your eyes were on the tavern door, then on the window beside it, then back on the tavern door. You didn’t even notice Jaskier join Theo at one of the further tables, already talking in low voices to each other. You didn’t even notice the tavern owner drop one of the cups she was cleaning, or the curses that fell from her lips afterward. You kept a stiff back, a stiff face, only blinking when you absolutely had to.

When she came through the door, you immediately stood up. Her hands were shaking, you noticed, but your eyes quickly rose to her own. It was as if the whole world stopped, as if no sound was being made within a thirty-mile radius. Your mother was here, in front of you, and this time, she knew who you were.

There were a couple of seconds of silence as you two looked at each other. The door had closed behind her, but the noise was lost to either of you. She blinked — once, twice — before finally rushing over to you, her arms wrapping you tightly against her.

You let out a small ‘oof’ as the breath was knocked out of you, but quickly recovered. Despite your stiffness, you raised your arms to her back, closing your eyes as you rest your chin on her shoulder.

Her smell was different than you remembered, but also the same. It was sweet, probably from her shop. She also smelt of a hint of lavender — suddenly, you remembered your father complementing her on the scent time and time again, to which she would use it more and more. Most importantly, though, she smelt like home.

You subconsciously tightened your grip around her, letting your head fall into her shoulder just as hers did yours. Tears pricked your eyes as your hands felt the simultaneously frail but strong feeling of her back. You didn’t know how long you two stood like that, but it felt like hours and seconds. You wanted to stay there forever, in the arms you never thought you would find again, but your mother eventually pulled back to look at you.

“You’ve gotten so big,” she said with a mix between a laugh and a sob. It was then that you realized you were smiling with a frown, the overflow of emotions hitting you all at once. This felt so strange, so foreign, but also so right.

You swallowed down a sob as your mother placed a hand on your cheek, wiping away an escaped tear. “I’ve changed a lot,” you said, your eyes tracing her features.

Your mother smiled the same smile she had when you were little. “No.” She shook her head, eyes tearing up once more. “No, you haven’t.”

—

As time went on, the tavern felt more and more like its actual size. You didn’t feel cramped, but comfortable. People still weren’t coming in, as it was quite early, but even if they did, you wouldn’t have noticed.

As soon as you and your mother sat down, she asked you what you remembered about _that_ day. You hesitated, of course — everything still felt so strange, so dreamlike, that you thought if you spoke, the dream might disappear. But as you started talking, you became more and more aware of how real everything was; with your mother watching you with careful eyes, nodding after certain things you said, frowning at others — you didn’t need to pinch yourself any longer to know that this was actually happening.

Your voice was beginning to get hoarse from how much talking you did. You stopped yourself, finally almost at the end of your life story.

You licked your lips, glancing over at Jaskier for a second. “I only met Jaskier and Geralt pretty recently. But they’re the best people I’ve known in a long, long time.”

Your mother smiled, following your gaze to Jaskier. “He seems like a good man.” She said, a knowing look falling over her face. You felt your skin heat up, but nodded anyway.

“He is.” The fluttery feeling in your stomach evaporated, instead filling with a sort of dread. You almost didn’t want to talk about him — not after what he did to both of you. But sooner or later, it had to be brought up. “Not long ago — Rauf told me what happened. What he did to you.”

Your mother’s eyes hardened, but she placed a hand on your own. Her touch was warm, comforting — but her eyes said something else. “Is he…”

“He’s not here, don’t worry. He’s actually…not anywhere. He’s dead.” You paused, wondering how she would react to your next statement. You said it anyway. “I killed him.”

Your mother blinked, taking a deep breath in. With a stiff nod, she patted your hand. “I don’t like to wish death on anyone, but that man deserved it.” You snorted at her reaction, but she didn’t laugh along. “That must have been hard for you, though. He was all you knew.”

You bit your lip with a nod, but then frowned. “He _was_ all I knew…until I found out he lied to me my whole life. After that…” You sighed, bringing your eyes up to hers. “After that he meant nothing.”

Your mother watched you carefully, then turned her gaze to Theo and Jaskier, who were seemingly bickering in the corner. “I had her not long after the attack.” She turned back to you with a tight smile. “I was pregnant. When your father died.”

You opened your mouth to speak, but couldn’t find the words. She didn’t need you to.

“Your father was a kind man. He was troubled, worked a little too much — but he was _good_. We were happy. And Rauf—“ She stopped, anger flashing in her eyes for just a moment. “Rauf was troubled as well. But he was an angry person, through and through. _Selfish_. He met me and he wanted to _own_ me, not love me.

“After he took you…I thought I lost everything. I _did_ lose everything. You were my baby, my…” She stopped again, tears brimming her eyes. She let them fall. “I missed you so much that I thought I couldn’t go on. I waited for Rauf to return, for him to let me see you again, even if that meant killing me right after.” She wiped the tears on her cheeks, turning to look at Theo once again.

“But then I realized I had Theodora. I had to take care of myself to take care of her.” She turned back to you, taking another deep breath. “I had waited long enough in our village. So I only took what I could carry and tried to find somewhere else, somewhere that people wouldn’t recognize me. It was only a few days after that that I heard about the attack.”

Your mother stopped, taking her hand from yours and placing both over her face. You gave her time to compose herself, to let the tears fall. After a moment, you spoke.

“It’s not your fault,” you said, and you believed it.

Finally, your mother took her hands from her face, wiping her tears along the way. She quickly took your hands again, leaning forward to look into your eyes.

“There was not a day that I did not think of you. Not one.” She sniffled and leaned back, but only slightly. “Even with Theodora, I would see you in her. I taught her differently from a young age. I taught her that people could be after us at any time. That’s why I thought we both should know how to defend ourselves. So I wouldn’t lose her like I lost you.”

You felt a pang in your stomach at her words. You knew none of this was your mother’s fault, that she had been wronged by Rauf. But still, part of you felt awful. If only Rauf hadn’t taken you. If only you could have been with your mother during these times, if only you could’ve looked after your sister and been there for them _both_.

“I should have looked for you.” Your mother said suddenly, her eyes distant. “I thought about it a lot. But I only knew that Rauf moved around a lot, and I thought—“ She looked down, a frustrated sigh escaping her lips. “I was afraid that I would lose Theo as well. I was afraid, but—I should have _looked for you_.”

You grabbed her hands again, making her look at you. “But I found you anyway.” You tilted your head towards Theo, meeting your mother’s eyes once more. “ _Both_ of you.”

“You did.” She squeezed your hands, tears falling once more. “You did.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I actually teared up while writing this don’t @ me
> 
> Let me know your thoughts!! Only the epilogue left ahhhh


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS IT EVERYONE. The end of the second series!! I can't believe it's already here :O 
> 
> I've been writing this series for so long that it feels like a part of me is being taken away, but I know this isn't the end end. I can already see myself thinking of more adventures, whether it be through another complete series or small one-shots.
> 
> That being said, thank you to anyone and everyone who interacted with this series! I love you all so much and I really appreciate the support you've given to me in the past months (oh my god, MONTHS!!!).
> 
> Anyway, that's enough from me. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did :,) feel free to hop over to my tumblr to talk to me about what I'm working on, or to cry over this series with me ❤️Much love!

The leaves had just started falling once more. It seemed like the world was covered with an auburn tint; wind picked up every now and again, lifting some fallen leaves with it. You breathed in, imagining the smell of a fresh pumpkin pie. One with the perfect amount of crust, topped with roasted pumpkin seeds. It made you smile, thinking of your mother’s bakery, and you made a mental note to ask her to make you one next time you visited.

But now was not really the time to be thinking about such delicacies. 

“Are you even watching?” Theo grunted, her brow covered with sweat. Despite her using a majority of her energy to glare at you, she still managed to block Jaskier’s attack. He slid his sword from her own, letting it fall to the ground.

“Of course I am,” you lied, holding back a laugh at Jaskier’s groan.

“How much _longer_?” He gasped for breath, dragging his sword on the ground beside him.

You pursed your lips, a mischievous look in your eye. “You know I hate that question.”

Jaskier rolled his eyes before glaring pointedly at you. “And you know I hate being beaten by a little girl.”

Theo scoffed, “I’m not—“

“Yeah, yeah.” Jaskier waved a hand in the air, leaning on this sword. “And I’m not a devilishly handsome bard.”

You snorted at Theo’s expression: she scrunched her nose — more like her entire face — before kicking at the sword Jaskier leaned on. As he nearly toppled over, you scoffed a laugh. “Alright, Mr. Bard. I’ll take over.”

Theo’s eyes widened as you picked up your own sword. “Really?”

“Yeah.” You winked at Jaskier as he passed, not missing the sigh of relief that left his lips. As you stood in front of Theo, you cracked your neck dramatically, “Why? Are you afraid?”

She smirked, readying her stance. “Not at all.”

You raised a brow, gripping your sword with both hands. “We’ll see about that.”

Theo had gotten much better in the last couple of weeks — not that she was _bad_ to start; she had the basics, along with the little things she picked up from her real experiences. She was easy to teach, you soon learned — _much_ easier than Jaskier. More recently, she was becoming close to an actual challenge to spar with, though you wouldn’t tell her that for quite some time. She had an even bigger ego than Jaskier, and feeding it would only make her sloppier with her swings.

It hadn’t taken much convincing for your mother to allow Theo to train with you. That didn’t mean it didn’t take any at _all_ — at first, your mother was hesitant. She knew you were trained by Rauf, after all. But Jaskier told her how good you were at teaching, that even with him you held back a lot. It was then that she explained she was more worried about Theo putting herself in danger _after_ the training. When you told her Theo was a fighter at heart, that training or no training she would find herself in countless dangerous scenarios…well, your mother agreed that it was better for her to thrust herself into danger with _actual training_ rather than just the basics.

Getting Jaskier to _spar_ with the girl so you could watch her form and techniques… _that_ was a feat that took a lot of convincing, over several weeks. But of course, you won him over.

“I see why you like staying on this side of the yard,” Jaskier remarked, falling dramatically on his back with a grunt. 

The property that your mother helped you and Jaskier find was much larger than you’d expected, especially for the cost. Your mother said she got a deal on it because she ‘had a way with words’ (whatever that meant), but still — there was a long dirt path leading up to the cottage, along with a yard surrounded by forest. The yard was perfect for sparring, as the three of you would come to realize; besides that, there weren’t any other properties nearby, not for a couple of miles. It was a short ride to your mother’s village, but other than that, it was pretty secluded.

And perfect. 

Despite Jaskier’s loud sighs of relief, you and Theo barely acknowledged him, eyes trained on each other, daring the other to make the first move.

As you suspected, Theo swung her sword first. She was still a bit impatient when sparring, and though having the drive to fight was good, it could also get her in trouble.

You blocked her attack with your sword, pushing back on it so she was forced to move back. You began circling each other again, challenging each other to make the next move.

Once again, Theo swung. This time, she spun herself around for more impact, probably hoping to push you off your feet. But just as you taught her, you kept your stance strong, easily blocking her attack with your sword.

She huffed, sending you a look that could only make you smirk. She was getting impatient already. By the glare she sent you, it would only be a matter of time before she messed up her attacks.

Of course, you were right. After she swung at you a couple more times, taking a step further for each swing, she missed the trap you were setting. As her brow furrowed in frustrated concentration, setting up swing after swing just for it to be blocked, you decided enough was enough.

With one swift movement, you stepped out of the way of her sword, hearing a loud thunk as it landed in the tree behind you. You stood back with a smirk, watching as she tried to pull the sword from the tree — as she grunted in frustration, you thought back to one of your earlier training sessions with Jaskier, only then, he got his sword stuck in the tree on purpose.

Theo let out a final grunt as she finally got her sword unstuck from the tree, only to fall on the ground from pulling so hard.

Theo landed on her back with an ‘oof’, her eyes wide with disbelief as you walked over to her. “Patience is a virtue, Theo. Sooner or later you’ve gotta learn that.” You plunged your sword in the ground beside yourself before leaning over with an outstretched hand. Despite Theo’s initial reaction — of course, rolling her eyes — she took your hand, not bothering to dust off her pants as she stood up. 

The sound of Jaskier’s claps made both of you roll your eyes and turn in unison, crossing your arms at the bard who was still sitting in the grass.

“Bravo, bravo! I’m so honored to have witnessed the fight of the century.”

“I’ll show you the fight of the century,” Theo growled, throwing up an aggressive middle finger. Before she could do anything else, though, the sound of hooves on the dirt path not far from the three of you drew everyone’s attention.

As soon as she knew it was the witcher, Theo turned to you with a hopeful look. “Lunch break?”

You pursed your lips with a nod, and that was seemingly enough for her to go running off to greet Geralt as he dismounted Roach.

Your lips lifted into a smirk as you made your way over to Jaskier. He was still slumped in the grass, now leaning on his hands behind him and looking at the sky. As soon as he noticed you, he smiled, grabbing the hand you reached out towards him and using it to pull himself up. Instead of letting you go, he lifted your hand so it hung around the back of his neck, and used his other hand to pull you closer by your waist.

“Hello there, love.”

You rolled your eyes as he leaned in to kiss your neck, soft and sweet. You felt a slight shiver as he buried his head in the crook of your neck, feeling the smile on his lips against your skin.

You snorted despite the fluttery feeling echoing in your chest, “You smell awful.”

“So romantic,” he mumbled into your shoulder, taking a moment before pulling away. He wiggled his eyebrows and placed another soft kiss on your lips — you sighed into the kiss, using one of your hands to pull him closer by the back of his neck. You felt your whole body relax, as it usually did around him, before pulling away. 

Jaskier kept his hands wrapped around your waist as you looked over to where Geralt and Theo were talking; well, it was mostly just Theo talking. Ever since she had spent more time around the three of you, she seemed to get more comfortable. She was still sarcastic, a little rude, and sometimes, in Jaskier’s words, _unbearable_ — but now, every time Geralt visited, she couldn’t help but talk his ear off.

You still weren’t sure if Geralt minded or not. If he did, he wasn’t showing as much — _yet_.

As you watched Theo pet Roach’s muzzle, using her other hand to gesture as she spoke, your mind flipped back to your mother. It felt like so long ago that you were reunited with her, and at the same time, it felt like yesterday. Really, things had changed so quickly for you — and still, it was like you had been waiting for this life for an eternity.

You blinked, finally turning back to Jaskier. He was swaying slightly in his spot; you hadn’t even noticed he started humming under his breath as he looked at the sky above, his hands still on your waist.

“I don’t think I ever said thank you.” Your voice made him raise his eyebrows, his attention being put back on you. You licked your lips when he tilted his head in confusion. “For…for coming with me to find my mother. And for bearing with me on the journey. I…don’t think I would be sane without you.”

Jaskier snorted, quirking a brow. “I would argue that you would be _completely_ sane without me.” You rolled your eyes, but the sincerity in his gaze made your smirk fall. “And…I would come with you to the edge of the continent and back. No hesitation.”

You couldn’t help your brows from forming into a frown. His words always seemed to surprise you, especially when they were so sincere. If you would have told your past self that someone like him would be with someone like you…you probably would have slit your own throat, to be blunt. But looking at him now, with his pink-lipped smile and loving eyes — you wouldn’t have it any other way.

You didn’t wait any longer before grabbing his face in both hands and kissing him again, only separating when you physically couldn’t breathe any longer. Jaskier blinked at you in surprise, his lips quickly lifting into a smirk.

“Would you be up to sparring together later? Perhaps…in the bedroom?”

You let yourself smile at the man in front of you, shoving him playfully as your skin heat up. “Shut up, bard.”

Jaskier tilted his head, lifting his arms out beside him. “That’s not a no!”

You paused, taking your bottom lip between your teeth. “No, it isn’t.” 

Leaving Jaskier with a goofy grin on his face, you jogged to catch up with Theo and Geralt before the witcher’s ears started bleeding.

By the time you caught up with them, it looked as though the light was slowly draining from Geralt’s eyes. Once he saw you, though, he straightened in his spot. He bowed his head in greeting, eyes flitting from Theo and back to you. You shook your head, almost not believing that he thought he could get away with greeting you with a _nod._ Walking right up to him, you wrapped your arms around his large armor in a hug. 

You stepped back, noticing that Theo had finally stopped talking. It only took you a second to notice the griffin’s head attached to Roach’s back.

“I see you’ve been busy.”

Geralt nodded without having to see what you were talking about. “I was on my way to get the reward. Thought I’d stop by.”

You quirked a brow. “Just to say hello?”

“Not exactly.”

“You have a job?” Theo interrupted, her eyes eager with curiosity.

Geralt kept his eyes on you. “Actually, yes.” You tilted your head, urging for him to continue. “I got a job in the last town over. I thought you might be interested.”

“ _I_ am.” Theo stepped away from Roach, jutting her chin up. You rolled your eyes, knowing she only did that when she wanted to seem older than she actually was.

Without responding, Geralt tilted his head at you, ever so slightly. It was a question, and you didn’t miss it. You raised your brows at him, as if in a silent discussion. 

You almost wished he hadn’t brought it up, especially in front of Theo. But as you thought about it, about Theo’s training and her eagerness to join you on different jobs — well, you thought that maybe it wasn’t such a horrible idea. Maybe having Theo come with you on a job — to see what it was really like in this lifestyle — it could be like…an _apprenticeship_. 

Theo noticed the silent discussion you and Geralt seemed to be having. She swiveled her head back and forth between the two of you, trying to decipher whatever it was that was going through your minds. After another moment of contemplation, you took a sharp breath in through your nose.

Letting out a final sigh, you nodded. “Why not.”

Theo blinked at you, processing the meaning of your words. “You mean…?” You fought back a smirk and nodded, watching as her mouth gaped at you. “Are you serious?”

As you were about to respond, Jaskier placed an arm around your waist, nodding to Geralt as Theo stared you down. You leaned into him slightly, smiling at the girl in front of you.

“Sure. If your mom says it’s okay.”

Theo’s gape turned into a frown — if she could have physically deflated her whole body, she would have. Shoulders sagged and pout in place, she crossed her arms over her chest. “She’s your mom too.”

You laughed, not expecting that response. “I’ll put in a good word."

Theo mumbled to herself, turning back to Roach with a glare. While she was busy cursing you under her breath, Jaskier nodded at Geralt once more.

“Geralt. How have you been?”

Geralt’s eyes looked between the two of you, a small smile on his lips. “Not nearly as good as you, it seems.” He turned to Roach, reaching for something in the satchel. You and Jaskier shared a look as he searched, only turning back when he cleared his throat.

In his hands was a large bottle of fine ale. 

Jaskier lifted his arms with a big laugh, his smile wide with delight. “Oh, how I’ve missed you, you absolute beast of a man.”

You thought Jaskier might run up to Geralt and give him as big of a hug as you did, but instead, he turned to you and placed a sloppy kiss on your cheek.

You could practically hear Theo roll her eyes. “Get a room, you two.”

Jaskier smirked, winking at you before putting his arm across your shoulders. “Oh, we have one alright.”

You laughed again as Theo let out a fake gag. She kept her nose scrunched as Geralt and Jaskier began walking up to the house, only lowering it once they were out of earshot.

Your eyes watched her in amusement as the two of you followed them to the cottage. Before you could stop yourself, you turned to her with a smirk. “You want to know how we met?”

Theo rolled her eyes, not bothering to look at you. “I don’t know. Do I?”

You nodded, your eyes now trained on the back of Jaskier’s head. As the memories flooded you, you felt a mixture of guilt, amusement, and disbelief. Part of you couldn’t believe that the story was true, especially knowing where you were now. It felt like that was a whole other person who walked into the Novigrad inn with only blood on their mind. 

Theo was looking at you now, curiosity getting the best of her. You smiled, a laugh escaping your lips as you spoke. “I tried to kill him.”

Theo’s scoff was powerful. “Very funny.” She watched you, waiting for you to tell her the truth. When you didn’t confirm that you were kidding, she nearly stopped in her tracks. “Wait, you’re _serious_?”

“Dead.” You smiled wide, reveling in the look of disbelief on her face. With a shrug, you pursed your lips. “But that’s a story for another time.”

“Now. I think that's a story for _now._ ”

“What is?” Jaskier was turned around now, holding the front door to the cottage open for the two of you.

You smirked as you passed him, leaning in with a wink. “The story of how we met.”

Jaskier’s eyes sparkled, “Oh, have I got a song for _that_ —“

“No!” Theo yelled, and despite Jaskier's sour expression, you couldn’t help but let out a hearty laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end :,)


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